Friday, January 13, 2017

Friday the 13th, After A Full Moon


So I am sitting in my office, minding my own business, well okay, I'm minding my employer's business, when my cellphone rings. (Actually it makes this odd chiming, chirping sound which the sound settings calls "Paper Guitar." As I've never played a paper guitar I can't vouch for the accuracy of the name. But it's not annoying, so I've got that going for me...)

"Hi WSO." No, I use her real name, LUSH, no, no, no, not her call sign, her real name. Which I will not divulge here because I forgot it. No, no, no, for security reasons, I won't divulge her real name for security reasons. Not because I forgot it. (Bit of foreshadowing there, if you pay attention down the road...)

On the other end of the line is the youngest of my nuclear family, The WSO. As you may have already guessed. Well, I did give it away didn't I?

"Hi Dad, what's up?" Which is how she starts every call she initiates with me.

"Uh, you called me..." Which is how I always respond.

I inform her that I am at work, she informs me that she is on her way to work. Which is a pretty standard opening topic for nearly all of our conversations. Though sometimes it goes like this -

"Hi Dad, where's Mom?"

"She's not here at work with me."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Seriously Dad, where's Mom?"

"Well, she was at home when I left for work this morning... Hold on a second..."

"What are you doing Dad?"

"Checking the office one more time to make sure she's not here."

And it will continue like that for a few more seconds until we both tire of that. I should explain here the very sophisticated procedures the kids use in their communications with home base. First of all, The Naviguesser seldom calls. He's a guy, guys only use the phone to relay important information. "Hi Mom and Dad, I'm still alive," is not considered to be important information, that's the default situation. As I explained to my own mother once upon a time, "Ma, if anything happens to me, someone will call. If no one calls, that means I'm okay." No, The Naviguesser's mom doesn't like that. Neither does my mother. But I digress.

The Nuke and The WSO have a very strict calling protocol. First they will call their mother. If their mother doesn't answer, they will try again later. Sometimes, if they are really bored, they will call me, the father of this happy band.

"Dad, where's Mom?" Is invariably how those conversations start.

Anyhoo.

So I'm on the phone with The WSO out in California, as she has deigned to talk to me as Mom's location is unbeknownst to either of us. (For the worriers out there, The Missus Herself, who also answers to "Mom" was in the shower. So she didn't answer the phone, which was in the bedroom, not in the salle de bain. Which sounds so much classier than "bathroom," dontcha think?)

After a few minutes, I remark to The WSO that I need to get off the phone and get ready to go to a lunch time meeting. (Normally I don't go to such affairs, only if food is provided, which it was on Thursday. Once a month they sucker me in with free stuff. Although as we all know, nothing is free. Certainly not lunch...) That's when the following conversation takes place -

"So I've got to head off to that meeting kiddo."

"Oh yeah, you're ahead of us there in Little Rhody..."

"Yes <insert The Nuke's real name here>, I am talking to you from the future."

"Hahaha! Wait a minute, did you just call me <insert The Nuke's real name here>?"

"Yes, I did. That's your name in the future."

"Dad."

"Yes sweetie?"

"You're an idiot."

"So your mother tells me."

"Hahaha! Bye Dad."

"Bye sweetie."

Yup, the day of the full moon it was.





26 comments:

  1. How the heck did you get hold of the Top Secret Juvat-Most Beautiful Daughter telephone conversation script?

    She has hour long conversations with her Mom. With Me? I have to pull out my best interrogation skills. How are you? Fine. What are you doing? Nothing. Any plans for the weekend? Nope. Thankfully, I don't have that issue with Mrs. Juvat. She fills me in on the finer points that I can't discern from the above conversation. "Did you know the MBD is going to ....." No. "Idiot" (Yes, Mrs. J calls me that also. I think that's a universal term of endearment wives use to address their husband.) "You have to read between the lines. It's not what she says it's what she meant."
    "Dearest...God only gave me an extremely limited ability to read women's minds. I prefer to use that on you."
    "You're right, the Lord really did give you an unbelievably small amount of that ability!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got it from a State Department "unofficial" server, if'n you get my meaning.

      Yeah, I'm not much of a phone talker.

      You actually have an extremely limited ability to read women's minds ? I don't even have that!

      Man, you're like some kind of wizard!

      Delete
  2. No phone call should take over 2 minutes. my daughter calls just because she is bored and wants to pass the time...I screen...sometimes I don't answer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two minutes, enough to convey relevant information.

      But if the grandkids are around on the other end...

      Then I'll talk longer. Well, listen longer.

      Delete
  3. Those snippets of life are some of the most treasured. It is the small things in life....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why talk when you can text?
    Seriously, the phone only rings in an emergency ...or on the occasion that MNBF wants to clarify something.
    Only serious discussion takes place on the phone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hadn't seen the Moon until last evening.
      Even at past full it was pretty spectacular.
      As for Friday 13th, it is best acknowledged by looking at old Pogo comics.

      Delete
    2. Don't get me started on texting. The female progeny used to text me when they were younger. Halfway through I'd call them...

      "Dad, why did you call me, we were texting..."

      "My thumbs are tired."

      Delete
    3. I noticed an extraordinarily high tide Thursday morning, then saw that moon (well, some of it) in the opening photo.

      Pretty it was, skirting in and out of the clouds.

      Delete
    4. ""My thumbs are tired."
      My Progeny will be hearing that shortly! (and regularly now)

      Delete
  5. Having only sons, if they were the only calls I received, I could go years with one prepaid cell phone. I refuse to have text conversations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will text, but try to avoid texting as a means of conversation.

      I just don't have the patience for that.

      Delete
  6. I'm a caller; if I want to communicate, I pick up a 'phone, land line or portable radio ( i.e.- cell phone ). Texting is three or four words, max.

    Paul L. Quandt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Three or four words on the texting, roger that.

      I tend to get called, not an initiator unless I'm seeking information.

      Delete
  7. Nona the Wonder Dog absolutely refused to go with me this morning. She cowered in the back corner of her dog house and wouldn't come out until she decided the danger of riding with me had passed. This proves that Friday the 13th is a thing and that dogs know about it. Also, that global warming is real.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant scientific arguments Shaun, can't argue with that.

      Dogs know, it is written.

      Delete
  8. Rarely do I have these types of convos with The Teenangster. Not that we have better ones, but because she can usually get ahold of her mom. She's only a college freshman so unless it involves asking for money (and that's usually via text), our relationship hasn't evolved into witty banter like yours. I'm sure at some point I'll irritate her with my jokes, just as I do her mom. Looking forward to those days. Happy Friday to your happy band.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The only reason the phone rings in this house is because someone is trying to sell me something. The only reason I even have a house phone is that it's free. As in the triple play bundle costs the same as the double after I call up and whine a little bit about it costs and I may change to the competitor who will save me $5 a month. What they do is give me the phone for free essentially. I don't neee the phone. But hey, it's free!

    But do I actually make calls on it? Rarely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I consider our land line to be a decoy, the telemarketers jump all over that and leave my cell phone alone.

      Delete
  10. Heck. I text my wife when I'm in the bathroom and my son when I'm in the family room.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm gonna go with "has a really big house" rather than any other possibilities.

      Though, I have been known to text the kids when they're visiting, it freaks them out.

      Delete
  11. You do have ID verification phrases, don't you?
    YOU: The possum plays his baritone languidly
    WSO: Yes, for in Paris, there are many trees

    Security is Important!

    ReplyDelete

Just be polite... that's all I ask. (For Buck)