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| Patiently Waiting Alexander Boden - Bonn, Germany (Source) |
Her loss of kidney function is irreparable, her doc tells me that there's no way to fix that. We give her subcutaneous fluids every other day (100ml, if she'll hold still that long). It's no fun for us or her, but it helps flush some of the toxins from her system that her kidneys are no longer able to get rid of.
She is still kind of active, she'll walk around the upstairs, even jump up on Mama's bed or her own bed. But that's about the extent of it. We wait on her hand and foot and don't mind at all, she has been a valued member of the family for nearly two decades.
For those of you wondering, the average life span of an indoor cat is 12 to 18 years. The lower range being the usual, at least in my experience.
We knew that this day would come, since getting married, The Missus Herself and Your Humble Scribe have had four cats. Two brothers from Germany and two sisters from here in New England. The Missus Herself has already declared that Anya won't be replaced (as if that was even possible) as she just can't go through this sort of thing again.
I know what she means, I nearly lost my mind when our first cat, Tiger, died. The memories of the loss of his brother Pat, then the loss of Sasha, Anya's sister, still linger. They hurt to this day.
It seems odd, and somewhat unfair if you will, to have so many wonderful years together with a companion animal, only to remember the last few days of their short lives. It hurts, it really does, anyone who doesn't think so has either never gone through it or has some fundamental flaw in their makeup.
I do remember all of the great times we had with our cats, but to have Anya look at me, her eyes begging me to do something to make her better, leaves me feeling both helpless and useless. She's not in a great deal of pain at this time, no more than any really old being feels, but it bothers her and it bothers us, her human caretakers.
I know her time approaches, I know there is no reversing this process, but it hurts, the waiting, it hurts. The look in her eyes, it hurts. While waiting is hard, it's not the hardest part. Knowing that once the time comes, things will change forever. That's the hardest part.
I can hardly bear the thought.
We shall get through this, we shall remember all of the good times we had together, but these last few days of her existence will linger and make me wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop this from happening.
I know there is nothing I can do different, death is part of life. The time will come for us all. But yeah, it hurts.
I live, but I'm not living at the moment. Merely, waiting ...
This too, shall pass.
Be well.
Prayers and now tears for all. You have said it best and there is nothing left to say except that you will see them again.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mark.
DeleteAt my age I have stopped having pets, I can stand the loss of them though it is difficult. Now I am at an age where I would probably out live them and the life of an older orphaned animal is something I can't inflict on a companion.
ReplyDeleteI think that's part of my wife's reasoning as well. What if something happens to us, wouldn't want to leave a friend behind.
DeleteWords cannot express the sadness...
ReplyDelete-Barry
Thanks Barry.
DeleteAh Sarge, this is one of those times when words are so small.......prayers out for her and you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nylon12.
DeleteSarge, it is hard to see our friends go like that, especially ones that have been such intimate parts of our lives. Blessings on you and The Missus for seeing she is cared for and pain free as possibly in her last days.
ReplyDeleteYour observation about focus on the last days is not just true of our pets. I have to remind myself of the same with my parents and that these last few years, which have been difficult, are far from the sum total of my experience with them. It is just that they seem writ so large.
My mother will turn 93 this year, that looms as well. I know you've dealt with that recently and yes, it does feel "writ large."
DeleteThanks TB.
Amen. BTDT. No more pets.
ReplyDeleteJB
A hard choice, but a necessary one.
DeleteI’m not unfamiliar with losing close loved ones of the human variety having watched both dad and then mom succumb to different types of cancer as a boy then a very young man. I’m grateful for the Christian Faith which they raised me into. I’ll be with them again one day. I expect to have that comfort waiting on the other side. As for loved house pets, if not waiting on the other side then I expect something more wonderful awaits me(and you my friends).
ReplyDeleteFranknbean
I believe, but ...
DeleteI'll leave it at that for the moment. I will say this though, if my old cat and dog friends aren't there, then I don't want to be either. Seems harsh but it's the way I feel.
Sarge, if I recall correctly there is an original Twilight Zone episode about a man and his dog who die. They are met by someone who offers the man - but not the dog - entry into "Heaven". The man wisely refuses, saying to something to the effect that if dogs are not welcome in Heaven, likely that would not be a place he would want to be either. You can figure out at the point who is really making the offer...
DeleteI remember that episode.
DeleteI understand your sentiments regarding what I wrote. My thoughts (feelz? oh whoops) are that our house pets, especially dogs, gave me such unconditional devotion during their lives that only God in Heaven could top that devotion to me.
DeleteI get that.
DeleteHugs. Other words fail.
ReplyDeleteThanks htom.
DeletePrayers up from South Texas.
ReplyDeleteThanks STxAR.
DeleteDust starting to build up here......
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you saw the post Saturday at Ace's, that while focused on dogs, could also be applied to family cats: http://ace.mu.nu/archives/403457.php
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L.J.
I missed that, thanks for the link, L.J..
DeleteThe pain we endure at the end of our time together seems unbearable. To have never had that time would have been worse. This seems price we pay for love. May God comfort you with memories of those wonderful years together.
ReplyDeleteGood point Old Al, absolutely true. Thanks.
DeleteOur thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. It is truly hard. Two weeks ago our beagle child Lily died at the age of 14. Old age was the culprit. She went from 35lbs at Thanksgiving to 19lbs at the end. She just stopped eating, vet said nothing other than Dementia was notable. She had some good days but at the end they were few but we enjoyed/loved her from the time she joined the family until the final moment. It hurts, but the pain fades as the memories of the good times take over. Enjoy these last moments and love on your family member
ReplyDeleteThanks dp226. Condolences on your loss. Growing up, my grandmother had a pet beagle, my brothers and I loved that dog. Beagles are special.
DeleteConsider yourself hugged, and my shoulder there for you to cry on.
ReplyDeleteThe above from me.
DeleteThanks Joe.
DeleteMy city has a remarkable resource, a Grief Center, which was a great help for me when my son died a few years ago. Recently they have added a program for people who have lost pets. One neighbor has used the program and found it beneficial.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely an asset.
DeleteDang, I deleted a comment by mistake. Mark Matis, check the white courtesy phone.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is one of the greatest pains of owning (really, who truly owns whom?) a pet, especially the more intelligent ones like cats and dogs. Are they in pain? How bad is the suffering? Are they hiding it from us in order to save us pain?
ReplyDeleteBeen through it so many times. Wife has begged me to promise to replace Kegan with another dog if she and he proceed me. White lies aren't good, but..
And you'll know when. Sadly, you'll know when to take her. Hardest thing with my wife's last dog, dog stayed in good spirits until the last hour, which tore Mrs. Andrew apart when she (stupidly, as she says) called to Liesl to get out of the van and Liesl couldn't.
Dark times. Memories of bad experiences flow and pile up like river ice during spring breakup, building up a wall of emotions that can flood you. Make sure you and The Missus are talking, and as suggested above, if necessary, seek help if you can't help each other. None of that 'strong stoicism' that American males and Asian females both exhibit far too much.
Take care. We're here for you. Writing about it helps as I found it. The love and support of all the Chanters helps too. But The Missus doesn't have that support so take care and watch over her. Put the call in to your kids and tell them what's coming and see if one of them can drop everything and help if needed, or arrange for The Missus to go to there. Use up your vacation days and go with her for once.
Better not catch you or her sitting in a dark corner wrapped in despair. Better not.
In other words, you are part of the family I found, and so is The Missus, so don't disappoint your whole family, biological, legal or otherwise. We're here for you and yours.
Dammit, crying now. Hard to type with water pouring out. Only partially caused by pollen.
Thanks Beans.
DeletePerhaps what hurts the most are those trusting eyes looking at you asking for help, but you can't help. Only give all the love and comfort you can. My prayers for all of you Sarge.
DeleteThat is hard, very hard.
DeleteThanks Don.
We love them and it hurts so darned much to lose them but I feel what you and your lovely wife are going through. I to, have a dog on last days and we've done the fluid replacement. She eats, won't eat, drinks, won't drink. I know I'm counting last days. I got her in Jan of 2009 front a shelter as a 3/4 year old. We've had a lot of good years but she'll be my last at my age. Daughter did suggest getting an older dog/cat as they are so hard to place. Both of you and Anya are in my prayers. Like Beans it's raining I think.
ReplyDeleteI have thought of adopting an older cat from the shelter. We shall see. (I like the idea of giving an older animal a chance at the "good life" in their old age.)
DeleteBeen raining here, a lot.
Sarge,
ReplyDeleteCan't say it any better than the folks above already have. Hang in there, as I said earlier, you'll see them again and all of you will be in a better place.
I know, and it's a comfort.
DeleteThanks juvat.
I'm sad for you now, and will be sorry and sad when that day comes. We've always had pets and this is a sad inevitability as you know. As an aside, Google is very good at identifying dogs and cats if you use google photos. A quick search for "cats" or "pets" in your photos can help you remember them easily. You can also add old ones to it.
ReplyDeleteI avoid using online services for photos. I have many pictures of my feline companions, many of them in my heart.
DeleteThe sad inevitability, too well do I know it.
We share your pain. Our pets trust us. We love them. We do what we can. Beyond that, is a mystery. I've apologized in my dreams often to my beloved companions for my limitations. We can do no more.
DeleteMy head is full of all my pets and friends who have departed. Somedays I see them more than others.
DeleteWhat's that line, "Try to be the person your dog/cat/horse sees you as." So when I start doing something stupid or wrong, I have a legion of little and big faces looking at me disapprovingly and that is often enough to stop me doing something stupid or wrong.
My ghosts haunt me, sometimes in a nice way, sometimes, as stated above, in a different way.
The weight of all the wrongs I have done, big and little, against my friends human and furry, well, guilt is a wonderful tool of moral control.
Anon @ 6:41PM - Same here, I always wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. Usually the answer is that I did the best that I could for my little friend.
DeleteBeans - We're on the same page here. Those who went before are always with me.
DeleteThe perfection of the joy of heaven includes the things which bring us joy in this short life.
ReplyDeleteHere, sometimes not happiness, but joy.
Good to know. I believe the same.
DeleteMaybe it says too much about me or my life, but I miss some animals more than any human who has passed. I comfort myself (or try to) with the knowledge that I gave them the best life I could.
ReplyDeleteI resemble that remark. My tuxedo cat, Jake, made it to age 20. His last few months were mostly keeping him comfortable until the last trip to the vet.
DeleteKeep her comfortable, Beans. You'll know when it's time.
Anon @ 3:49 AM - I get that, with a companion animal, they're more like one's own child and a best friend all mixed together. Give 'em the best you can and you can't go far wrong.
DeleteCM - I remember you writing about Jake. Trying to keep Anya comfortable and giving her love, and yes, we'll know when it's time. (As an aside, Sarge wrote this, not Beans. But Beans has been writing so much lately that it's hard to keep track!)
Delete