Life in the Awfully Slow Lane

Google Street View

Traveling from where I work (Sarge Workland is what I calls it) to where I live (Sarge Homeland, as it follows from the former, or vice versa) on Wednesday last, I was embroiled in a uncommon occurrence in these parts, a traffic jam. Also known as, New Englanders behaving badly while operating a motor vehicle. Though I am a native New Englander, I don't have a very high opinion of driving skills throughout the six New England states. Keep in mind, I did live in Germany for seven and a half years where traffic moves with a certain Teutonic crispness and efficiency.

Anyhoo. See that opening photo? Yes? Well, right about where that light patch of pavement is in the left foreground there was a disabled vehicle Wednesday last, right about 1700 hours local. As it's a two lane bridge, one lane was blocked, the northbound lane as it were. The lane I wished to use to travel home in an expeditious manner, which wasn't happening this Wednesday last.

I don't know how that vehicle came to rest on that portion of the bridge, nor did I really care. It turned my twenty minute commute into nearly an hour. Was it an accident (they happen), a simple mechanical breakdown (yup, those happen too), or did the operator simply run out of fuel (rare, but it does happen)? Don't know, when I finally passed the vehicle it was too dark to discern any damage and, not wanting to slow down and gawk, which far too many yahoos do, I proceeded briskly on my way.

Now as I sat here -

My approximate view when I came upon a line of stopped vehicles.
Google Street View

I couldn't help but picture this scene in my head -

Yeah, yeah, I know. When I first saw the picture I felt really bad for the mules and the Italian guy with the wagon. After all they were his mules. But for reasons of military necessity, Patton did the right thing. (Just prior to this scene the column stalled at the bridge had been strafed by German aircraft, and the wagon and mules were preventing Patton's troops from driving the Nazis and the Fascists off the island of Sicily. Real Nazis and Fascists, not the kind who are only figments of the "social justice" generation's fevered imaginations.)

So yeah, toss that car off the freaking bridge, Sarge wants to get home! (No doubt I would feel differently had it been my car stuck on the bridge.)

Of course, there was also substantial ranting and raving going on at the seeming disregard the local constabulary had for restoring the flow of traffic. Shouldn't that be one of their jobs? (Not just ticketing people for going 10 over the limit, or not wearing seat belts, or talking on their cell phone while driving, that last being a legal "no no" in Little Rhody.) Let me set the situation for ya.

Google Maps

Let me explain the map. The red circle on the bridge marks the location of the disabled vehicle, the yellow circles at either end of the bridge are intersections with traffic lights. The orange path over the bridge (which is 3,000 feet long mind you) is the only path off the north end of The Island (aka Aquidneck Island, technically Rhode Island, and what the inhabitants call "The Island"). This is Sarge's only path (without going about ten miles out of my way) to go from Sarge Workland to Sarge Homeland. The light blue path is the standard path to the bridge, the path which most Little Rhodians and Massholes (hey, they call themselves that) take, it has a slower speed limit, and more traffic, than the green path, which is what I call the Sarge Route. (Of course.) (The yellow circle on the Sarge Route is where I sat, immobilized, for a good forty-five minutes.)

Now at the scene of the accident there were two members of the local constabulary directing traffic. One about fifty feet north of the disabled vehicle, t'other the same distance south of said vehicle. Now, do you see the yellow circle on the map where the blue, green, and orange lines intersect? That's this intersection -

To the left is the Sarge Route, to the right is the Everybody Else Route. Now the traffic lights seem to be set up so that the Everybody Else Route has preference. It is the major source of traffic going north to the bridge, so it kinda makes sense. Me, having taken the road less traveled, was stuck with a lower priority signal.

Now the coppers can't really see anything past those lights. They had no freaking clue that traffic on the Sarge Route was backed up by at least a half mile, that I could see from my position. They were just playing "you go, now you go" with the traffic actually on the bridge, paying no attention to traffic behind those traffic signals. Note that when there is construction on the bridge, the workers take those two paths onto the bridge into account. The cops don't. Their focus is getting the disabled vehicle off the bridge. I understand that, but this ape-lizard found it most annoying.

Where I nearly lost my shit was when I got to the light, I can see the bridge, I'm almost there, then the bloody signal turns red, the guy in front of me (in true Little Rhodian fashion) runs the red light, me, Mr Good Citizen, stops. Fuming, naturellement.

Finally my light goes green, I pull out and promptly have some Neanderthal in a YUGE pickup truck, coming from the Everybody Else Route decide to run the red light and challenge me for the roadway. As we're both going about 5 MPH, there is no danger of collision, it's an elephant race. Which I "won." Sumbitch blew his horn at me! Yes, I was all set to go full road rage and end his lineage. But then again, I had won the race, I was ahead of him. So the ape-lizard in me went back to sleep. No harm, no foul. I did not toss any obscene gestures in his general direction. He knew, yes, he knew, that he had been defeated.

When I finally arrived at Chez Sarge I was still a bit miffed, damn it, it took an hour to get home, not the more typical twenty minutes. Then it struck me, so what? I mean I was home wasn't I, I wasn't broken down on some bridge waiting for a tow truck. So I had that going for me. Of course, I couldn't help but think of that Great Sage of the Plains, the Wise Man of The Flat Water, ya know Shaun.

We ape-lizards are not nearly as advanced as we like to think. We've only been "civilized" for at most several thousand years. We have not evolved even a tiny bit from the ape-lizards who watched the glaciers retreat 15,000 years ago. We are exactly the same.

If we have a future to evolve into, the core principal of that evolution will be the Golden Rule. (Source)

 So I need to learn to CALM THE FIRE TRUCK DOWN. I'll live longer...

 Yup, more headers...

That should about cover it, though it would be cool to somehow work this into a header...

Hhmm, I've mentioned this before...
Those guys never got back to me, clannish these Rhodians be.

Might lend a little dignity to things.

Or not...

Oh, here's that Gruel Foundry we were talking about...

That stuff is hot coming right off the stove!

Now back on your heads, coffee break's over.