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Praetorium Honoris

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Adventures In Retail or How I Bought a Toilet Seat

(Source)
For those of you expecting another episode in von Lüttwitz's post-war exploits, sorry, not today. Might be a few days before I come back to that. Might be longer. For you see, Herr von Lüttwitz has an established history (fictional though it is) from the (still not published) book Almost a Lifetime and the still-in-work untitled prequel to that, which for now goes by the undistinguished Prequel - Part One.

Because of that, anything I write about von Lüttwitz really should match what I've written about him before. So I need to go back and reread certain things to make sure I don't write something which doesn't jive with "that which has gone before." Which amounts to some 1,300 pages of text in the two works. So, that might take a while ...


As the lead in photo might suggest, today's post is partially about toilet seats. Not the whole post mind you, just this part.

But first, I must digress.

I grew up with round toilet seats, which aren't really round but for convenience sake are referred to as round. I don't know when I first met the elongated variety of toilet seat, but I remember being somewhat disconcerted with them, at first.

But over time I learned to enjoy the extra room it gave one for certain things. Which I shall not go in to. As all of my readers are human, and from this planet, the last being an assumption, we all know what toilet seats are for.

Hhmm, my cultural bias is showing. Toilet facilities are very different in some countries (Japan and Korea immediately spring to mind), so perhaps I should say that most of my readers are from the United States (I know some of you are not) and therefore are somewhat familiar with the basic "round" versus "elongated" toilet seat types.

Anyhoo, I grew to appreciate the elongated seats, much as I grew to love driving an SUV versus driving a compact car. So when we renovated the upstairs bathroom at Chez Sarge, we decided that the elongated seat was the way to go.

As an aside I will mention that when we did the downstairs bathroom, which is significantly smaller than the upstairs, I presumed that the same type of toilet would be installed. I was wrong.

I came home to discover that the contractor had decided, quite on his own, that he would have the round style toilet installed, as "that will give you more space in the bathroom."

"Damn!" says I, "More space! Hey honey, we can hold ballroom dances in the downstairs bathroom now, look at all this extra room."

Yeah, two whole inches. I told the contractor, "Nope, elongated, get this abhorrent round monstrosity out of here."

The Missus Herself thought that perhaps a bit less sarcasm was called for, and she's probably right. But that had not been the first time the contractor decided that perhaps we should listen to him and not the other way around.

"Dude, I'm paying for this, so yeah, let's do it my way."

So all that just to establish my preference in toilet seats. Which, by the way, I had to purchase over the weekend.

Now back in the day I naturally assumed that, this being America, there would be 27 different varieties of toilet seat configuration and multiple seat color choices and materials. Therefore, I set out to measure the dimensions of the toilet seat that needed to be replaced.

The distance from one attach point to the other, the width of the seat, and, of course, the length. I even took photos of everything to make sure I would choose the right one as to dimensions and color as well.

When I arrived at my semi-local¹ big box store and headed back to the wall o' toilet seats, I noticed two things right away: 1) There are only two shapes of toilet seat and there is only one size of each,² and 2) there is only one color.

Upon closer examination I noticed a third thing, the seats had either a wood core or were all plastic. At first I thought that "white wood" was a color, until I checked the heft of the thing and realized, "Ah, wood core."

So all the measuring and photo taking had been for naught.

OTOH, there were different manufacturers, and as my toilet was made by Kohler, I went with that. (To the tune of thirty-five dollars! FJB! I know, I know, I was in the Air Force I should be happy the seat didn't cost me ten thousand dollars ...)

New seat purchased, new seat installed. My one big accomplishment over the weekend.


Since late November I have not been visiting Steam all that much, I was rather afraid that cutting off their access to my funds might drive them under. Not to worry, they stayed alive. So my other accomplishment over the weekend was to plunk down money for two new games: The Troop and Combat Mission: Battle for Normandy. I even had the chance to check them out on the new laptop.

The Troop covers the British experience around Caen from D-Day onwards. I like the way the game plays and I thought the user interface intuitive and easy to use.

OTOH, Combat Mission: Battle for Normandy (for which I bought all the add-ons and extra vehicles) covers the Americans, Germans, Brits and Poles as well. Both games have nice graphics but ...

Combat Mission: Battle for Normandy's user interface is non-intuitive and makes you read the manual to figure out how to do things. So I have that learning curve to climb.

But hey, I've got the time, the inclination, and the equipment to do so.

Just not sure I have the patience!

As The Missus Herself has returned from her sojourn in Maryland, I may not have the time, but we shall see.

Anyhoo, that's all for now.

Be back tomorrow with something else, probably non-fictional. Sorry.




¹ It's twelve miles away. The town where I live has a wee hardware store which is good for nuts and bolts and little things but doesn't carry toilet seats. My town also has zero fast food outlets, unless you count Dunkin' Donuts, which I don't. We used to have a Wendy's, which I loved but also noticed that it was so poorly managed and the employees so ill-trained that I doubted that it would last. I was correct. But I digress.
² At least at my semi-local big box store.

38 comments:

  1. Then you have those semi-hollow seats that collapse downwards once you occupy the throne. 1st encountered during an overnight visit to the VA hospital in Fayetteville. Somewhat frightening as you experience the sudden drop downward.

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    Replies
    1. They must use really cheap plastic there, I experience no sag at all in the new seat. But then again, I'm not the VA.

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  2. Elongated seat, tall toilet. At my last job they replaced one of the toilets with one that must have been built for 1st graders, it was so low. Miserable thing to use.

    The Dunkin' Donuts near us, in the same shopping center as one of the Safeways in town, closed a month or two ago. It had opened just before the Fauci Flu hit. But I think what did it in was people finally realizing that the doughnuts at Safeway were just about as good at half the price, and that the Starbucks in Safeway had better coffee. If I'm going to spend more on fresh doughnuts I'll go to the local Cambodian family owned shop, I think the same family runs three doughnut shops in Santa Rosa. Beat all the chain shops hollow and at the same price as Dunkin' or Krispy.

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    1. A company that would install a bad toilet is not a company I'd work at.

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  3. Well, one should be comfortable ascending the throne, right Sarge? Now.....two new computer games?!? Just what I don't need, considering Steam has their Spring sale going (reaching for keening credit card)........ :)

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    Replies
    1. Yup, damn credit card leapt out of my wallet and before you know it, I had two new games.

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  4. You skipped the most important bit about choosing the proper toilet seat ( besides round vs. long ) - make sure the seat has four supporting cushions underneath rather than just two !

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  5. Tall Toilets and long seats. That is the correct combination and should be made mandatory. That is the real choice in the bathroom. We have 2 tall toilets and 1 normal height toilet in the house and I wonder why for the life of me I did not spend the extra $10 dollars when we did that bathroom and put in the tall one. And as I get older, the tall toilet becomes even more of an obvious choice. Do they make an extra-tall, extra-long toilet?

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    Replies
    1. Look at your local medical supply store. They make an extension that clamps on to you existing toilet, for extra height. We got one for my Mother a while back. When I ruptured my Quad Tendon, I got one for me. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

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    2. Good to know! Thanks for the tip.

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  6. Very glad your town has a small nuts-and-bolts hardware store; I hope you get to keep it. The big box is closer to our house but doesn't carry hardware in bins but requires me to buy in little plastic bags. At least Ace still lets me paw through the bins until I find the ONE I need.
    Boat Guy

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    1. Oh yeah, ACE is our place in town. It has all the little day-to-day stuff you always seem to need. It's less than a quarter mile from the house. Very convenient.

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  7. Ah, the wonderful world of standardization and globalization, Sarge. Choices? You do not need choices. Enjoy your predetermined toilet seat of sub-optimal construction materials.

    (Sigh. Perhaps you have figures out I am not a fan of standardization and globablization...)

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    Replies
    1. I lived in Germany for 7 and a half years, broken door latch? House built in 1752? No problem, go down to the Mobau (German Home Depot as I called it) and they'll have it in stock. Logistically speaking, it's nice to be standardized. In the US of A it seems they change designs every five years so you can't fix something but have to replace it.

      Choices? In some things, I don't want choices. YMMV

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  8. in re tall toilets:
    some people, as they mature, find that peristalsis may come to a halt as the large instestine absorbs water (plus other nutrients) from the bolus; they also find that a lower (as opposed to a taller) seat aids in the expulsion of said material, ∴ porcelain facilities that are not quite so tall are better for those that may require such help.
    agreed! the taller facilities are easier to arise from, but OTOH, they say (my GP does, anyway) that the muscle exercise (getting up from a chair without using the arms) is good for the (uh!) more mature.

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    1. But, concurrently, as one matures (or, really, over-matures) one's ability to make less than a 90 degree bend in one's knees goes away, so higher toilet or grab-bar across from said toilet (if bathroom is small enough for grab-bar) is indicated.

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    2. Yeah, I'd call that "over maturing."

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    3. @ Beans
      I'm going to test/push the envelope as a commenter; apologies to OldAFSarge.
      I am a dentist (endodontist: not a physician).
      I believe (very strongly) that it is imperative, whether supported by medical support plans or no, that everyone above the age of 65, plus those with lower traumatic injury (men, particularly - difference in placement of center of gravity), should have physical therapy/training to keep them out of beds/wheelchairs as they mature, to maintain/strengthen the area of/below the pelvic girdle; as well as learning how to exercise (and maintain the health of) the transversus abdominis.

      to bring oneself to the erect position from a low porcelain facility::
      simultaneously contract the transversus abdominis, rock forward contracting all lower muscles necessary for standing, and using the hands push off the front of the toilet seat.
      a wall/bar/locked walker in front of you to provide support should you be unable to prevent your body from continuing forward is recommended.
      just my 2¢.

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    4. ROTFL

      But it is true that flabby quads are frequently a cause in falls...but I tell my patients to chair march to the commercials during their favorite 1 hour show, which gives you 20 minutes of "walking" and a chance to rest during the show, next ad starts, start marching.

      I will say that it was a big shock to my legs when I bought my house, and discovered it had a (very) low commode. With an elongated seat...which came with cheap plastic bolts which broke after I was here about a year. I replaced the seat with another of the same shape and size. Couldn't find one with metal bolts. They used to make them, I remember when I was a wee lass helping Dad replace the seat in the downstairs toilet in the old homestead. Need to replace my commode, but not just yet...money is still a consideration and currently all extra cents are allocated toward fixing the chimney. The former toilet in MI was an elevated one, which was very nice and easy to get up off of.

      Suz

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    5. Our toilet is high, but not really as high as I'd like.

      The new toilet has (drum roll please) ...

      metal ...

      bolts.

      Total awesomeness.

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  9. Fortunately I live in a small city (probably has half the population of Rhode Island in total - I jest) means that I have access to two Lowe's, several Ace Hardwares, actual plumbing supply houses, other specialty shops and, of course, Amazon. Which gives me a huge selection to aid in procrastination.

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    Replies
    1. So you have half a million people? Little Rhody has slightly over a million people.

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    2. "some people, as they mature, find that peristalsis may come to a halt as the large instestine absorbs water (plus other nutrients) from the bolus; they also find that a lower (as opposed to a taller) seat aids in the expulsion of said material,"

      The, if you will pardon the phrase, down side of the extremely low commode is that when faced with trying to
      contain sudden onset rapid, explosive peristalsis those extra few inches to contact can mean having to imitate Pvt. Stockdale.

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  10. Hmm, I think you've had it easy: my beloved has expressed a desire for heated toilet seats, which will become mandatory if we ever own rather than rent. Round vs elongated, let alone the possibility of a sub-optimal number of pads, is a complication with which i do not wish to deal.

    And for those of you gentlemen who were happily unaware heated toilet seats are a thing, I can only apologise and hope your own better halves don't find out. ☺

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    1. My daughter (The Nuke) has one of those. Every time we visit her I have to turn the damned heat off or it's like sitting on the surface of the sun. Don't like them, not even a little.

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    2. You've triggered a search for adustable heated toilet seats. I should have known i wouldn't get out of it that easily.

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    3. We should have warned you that it was a trap ...

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  11. The tall toilet with the elongated bowl is worth money to me! Money I spent replacing the old short-round perfectly functional toilet, plus the trip to the dump to get rid of the old bowl.
    Then after I tried to stand on the "new" toilet seat (plastic) are trip to the big box store to buy a wood core seat that will take a little more abuse without deforming.

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    1. Ah yes, the wooden ones take a bit more abuse.

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  12. Round, wood, tall. That is all.

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  13. Crusty Old TV Tech here. Tall, elongated, wood, soft controlled closure hinge, all mandatory IMH(bc)O. Also, maximum flush volume and rapid tank recovery. One terlet here in Casa de Crusty is newer, and refills in less than a minute from completely dumped tankage. The other? 1968 vintage, takes the blasted thing a good 3 minutes per full handle operation to refill!

    For a good time, google Toto Apricot Washulet Commercial Ah, the Japanese, their TV commercials are a thing of LSD-enhanced beauty! Penguins and terlet seats, what's better?

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    1. Ah yes, Japanese commercials, that takes me back it does.

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