Open Mic Night (Sort Of...) Part Deux

I am very pleased to present, for your reading enjoyment, Andrew's very first guest post. Coming to you "live" from The Chant's Pacific Headquarters on Kwajalein Atoll*. Sort of like the Open Mic Night thing like I did with Tuna's very first post.

Yes Paul, that Andrew...

So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you our very own Andrew Wetzel!

Ahem...

That Whole if You’re not a Liberal at 20 Thingy

(standing up) Hi, my name is Andrew, and I’ve been a recovering liberal for 46 years. (“Hi.” “Hello.” “Hi-lo.” “Go f#%k yourself, you commie bastard!”)

Whoa, turn down the hate, okay?  Let me explain.  It goes back to the days of my childhood… (cue music and light effects…)

So, my mother, at least, was a strong FDR democrat.  Oh, she wasn’t like totally open about it, due to my Dad being a serving Air Force Officer until ’73,  and after that she got involved in local projects and the DAR (yeah, my mom’s one of Those people, even a member of the Mayflower society and all that.) Dad?  Dunno what his political bent was, seems he took that whole ‘officers do not meddle openly in politics’ thingy about as hard as he took the ‘this is Classified or higher, shut your gob for eternity plus 20 years just to make sure’ thingy.  Though he was a southwest Louisiana Cajun, politics in LA (the state) were/are/will be weird, ‘nuff said about a state I’ve only visited or passed through.

So, growing up on Air Force bases and an Army base, until my dad’s retirement (“Bob, you want an active commission and a job at the Pentagon, or do you want to retire as a reserve officer?”) I lead a sheltered life.  Sure, watched “Combat” and “Rat Patrol” on the tv, but also watched “Sesame Street” and “Romper Room” so no idea what the heck was going on.  I really didn’t know about Viet-nam until, well ’76 or so, and only really learned about it in the early ‘80’s.  But, boy, did I know about the Cold War and how every base I was ever at or near was involved in either nuclear fire or protecting us from nuclear fire.  And that the Soviets were one day going to bomb us all into oblivion.

I first noticed Politics when Nixon won his second term, and got somewhat aware of all the foo-fer-all over Watergate.  And I bought into all the media hype about “The Worst President Ever!” and how lame Gerald Ford was.  And I thought Jimmy the Dhimmi Carter was like the best thing since boiled peanuts, you know?  I bought into all that Greenpeace garbage and Save the World stuff and No Nukes except I liked nukes and knew how well they saved the world by the time I was 10.  I liked the war section of every library I was ever in and read books and looked at pictures as much as I could, so War for all the right reasons was fine with me, as long as we saved the green planet and all that hokum.

But all this time my mind was collecting little bits of information.  Like, oh, say, never watching a Minuteman missile blow up, but watching several get launched.  Awesome.  And then reading about Mutually Assured Destruction and the Nuclear Triad and understanding it at 10yoa.  And knowing the difference between 1st world (Kwajalein) and 3rd world (Ebeye) which was only a couple miles north of Kwaj.  And understanding why we had to wipe out the Japs in the Pacific and why we dropped the bomb, twice, from my father who actually stood a couple times on the concrete dome that covered all the radioactive stuff they buried on Bikini.

But all my teachers taught me to be a good liberal.  And I supported the history expanding to include non-whites and non-males because I was a good liberal. 

But, unlike most liberals I knew, I actually saw no color or sex, other than a descriptor and a growing interest in girls.  Seriously.  Absolutely color-blind.  I did understand that there were some things guys did better than ladies, and vice-versa, but that we were basically equal.

And all this time my mind was slowly collecting facts, and forming opinions.

The first time I got in trouble for leaving the tribe was a 7th or 8th grade Social Studies class where we did that whole ‘model UN’ thing.  I got Israel. What the heck?  I knew nothing about Israel or Jews other than there were a lot of them there and they did an 8-day Christmas thing and the Dreidel song and so I took myself off to the school library and learned of dark secrets, some of what I have heard of before but was starting to make connections.  This was at the time in the late ‘70s where the USSR was trying to put a nuclear sub base in Cuba, and Carter was thinking about giving up Guantanamo to stop it.  My big input that got me into trouble with the class and the teachers was I correctly pointed out that unless the USA destroys completely, like setting off a nuke or something, Guantanamo, then giving the big G up for a non-existent Russian sub base would end up with Russia having a mostly built sub base.  America must stand firm against the quiet aggression of the Soviets (and I included some real fire-breathing quotes from various bad-assed Israeli Prime Ministers.)  The reception was… cold.  No need for air conditioning that day.

Fortunately Renaldus Magnus won in ’80, though at a school election I voted for Carter.  And the stupidity of what was being taught in high school vs what I had already been taught was becoming evident.

Then I got a job, a real paycheck pay taxes and stuff job.  Remember my mom is Mayflower Society, which makes me eligible for that group also?  Well, being all proud of my Puritan heritage I read up on those whacky communist bible-banging townies who got kicked out of England and then frowned upon in Holland (what the heck do you have to do to get frowned upon in Holland?) and then left to set up an agrarian society (by townsfolk) in the New World, as a communistic community.  And they almost all died off, until discovering that CAPITALISM works and makes money and encourages most people to get off their duffs and it was Goood.  So, here I am, I work 39 hours in a 2 week period behind the counter at Eckerd Drugs and I get my magnificent paycheck, head full of dreams of D&D books, Avalon Hill games and Trojans (see, I told you I was interested in girls) and I look at my check and I see Gross Amount and I go “YAY ME” and I see Net Amount and the Hand of God smote me betwixt the eyes and comprehension occurred and I go “Those GAWSHDARDED LEFTIST BASTARDS!” 

That’s how I became a conservative.

And the rest is history.

Well done Andrew! Bravo!

And thanks to our technical crew for all the cheap sound effects, don't blame those on Andrew.



* We don't really have a facility on Kwajalein, Andrew can vouch for that, he's been there.

RIP Gunny Ermey, still can't believe you're gone...