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Praetorium Honoris

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Not Feeling It Today...


There are things in life that you wish you could forget. Non-trivial things, things involving death and loss.

As time goes by, it gets a little easier, even though a part of you is gone, never to be recovered.

But the underlying pain never goes away...
It seems a strange irony that the egress system which would save your life in an emergency could snatch it away from you based on something so intangible as surface winds. But just imagine being dragged behind a pickup truck at 25-35 miles per hour while grappling with your harness release and you’ll get some sense of our trepidation. The odds of losing an engine on a gusty day are no better or worse than on any other day. The odds of survival, given the conditions, are much reduced. And there would be other days to fly.

We all of us volunteered for this business, but all of us want a chance, should some bad thing arise, especially in a peacetime training environment: You’ll probably never have to eject. But if you have a bad day and are forced to, you’d a whole lot rather have an even chance to explain why you did so later.

Not long after we’d made our decision the snow was falling sideways and the wind howled through every nook and cranny, piercing though our flight suits and forcing us to shoulder through the gusts. I made my way to the O’Club for a pint of Guinness (for strength) followed by a shot of Jameson’s (for courage). Grateful for the day I’d had.
 
Looking forward to the next.
From WX CNX, By lex, on March 1st, 2012
For whatever reason, that post was up on The Lexicans yesterday, the 28th of May. It's a place I visit nearly every day. Most of the posts I've read before, it's a place where we remember Carroll "Lex" LeFon. My friend, my blogging mentor. This blog wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Lex.

Yes, I read that post the day it was published, seven years ago. In what came to pass, I had forgotten about it. Until yesterday.

As I started the blog as a tribute to Lex, I rather wish it had never come to pass. For if Lex was still alive, I would be spending my time reading his stuff, not writing my own. But you never know, another friend of mine, LB Johnson, was encouraged to write by Lex. Her latest book (which I will review when I'm done reading it) is dedicated to him.

So you never know.

As for the reason I'm not feeling particularly "bloggy" today, well that snippet above from WX CNX (which is aviation speak for a weather cancellation) was written five days before Lex took off on his final mission.

All the elements of what happened that day in the high desert around NAS Fallon in Nevada was foreshadowed in that post.

Hit me square in the gut it did.

That is all.



38 comments:

  1. We all have those triggers.
    They’re part of the risks of staying alive.

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  2. I hear ya Sarge....Flying east out of Sac the big jet often passes over Fallon. On a clear day, from high up it looks so peaceful. The mind wanders back to that eventful day and I mentally trace the path that was followed. What is so clear now, wasn't that day. Decisions made. Pilots due regard....

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    Replies
    1. It still hurts to read that report, knowing that he did everything right, and it still wasn't enough.

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  3. I often wonder if God didn't call him home because we had really not learned to appreciate, truly appreciate what a good man was...

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    Replies
    1. I believe that everything happens for a reason, that one makes sense.

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  4. Because VX googled something in my blog, he put me on to Lex's writing and because of that, I'm here reading yours. Good things come wrapped in sadness sometimes.

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    Replies
    1. It's odd, and sometimes humbling, to see how we're interconnected.

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    2. We are connected because "replies" are commented on. I was always felt honored when Lex replied to some comment I had made. That's the fun of all of this. Strangers moving closer and becoming what I used to call digital friends. Never meeting most likely, but forming an opinion and having a mind's eye view of someone new to our lives.

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    3. Yes, I really live for the comments and the interaction between everyone who chimes in. And yeah, a reply from Lex was priceless.

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  5. And the only reason I blog periodically, is because you convinced me to jump in, so by way of extension, he's inspired us both. I remember when I first discovered his blog- I was in Little Rhodey (Newport) for TAO school. Kind of an interesting coincidence.

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    1. I wonder too if this would have all happened if The WSO had become a SWO instead of an NFO, or if she hadn't met (and married) Big Time. I found Lex's blog while looking for information on an incident at Big Time's old squadron, VFA-136. Lex had a good post on the very incident I was looking for, I was hooked that very day.

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    2. Do you know what incident it was and what post it was as now you've prodded the curiosity-monkey brain. I hate reading about things going wrong, but I am fascinated at the same time.

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    3. The post has been lost to the web but it was titled "Big Victory." I'll do some digging, there may be an extent PDF floating around in the archives.

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  6. I only discovered Lex's blog thanks to this blog. Reading Lex, and here, had a lot to do with me committing to making another go at this whole blogging thing. Does that make me a 2nd Gen Lexican? I don't know, but I'm damn grateful to everyone who's kept Lex's writing from disappearing into the ether.

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  7. That foreshadowing feeling of doom is something that I have learned to listen to. Big plans, ready to go, get that feeling, nope, back inside and hide from that day's fate.

    Wish I had known him before.

    Take care of yourself.

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    Replies
    1. Same here, if I get spooked about something, I hunker down. Doesn't happen often but yeah, you need to listen to that voice sometimes.

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  8. I knew this would hit some people - and I debated some months ago whether I should put these last ones in before saying his "website" is back up - My solution: Set them up for a timed release in the future - but not publicize them. Don't draw attention to them.

    My intent certainly wasn't/isn't to upset some people but OTOH Lex was really writing about his life,and I believed that these be in this collection before we call it finished.

    To me the eerie thing about these last 2 (the other one is still in the future) is that Lex was really foretelling things.

    Beans: I wish I had known him in life, too.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I get that. Those last posts belong in the collection, while it does bring back the raw emotion of "that day," that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

      Those posts were, in hindsight, very eerie.

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    2. Is it like reading some of Grissom's engineering reports on the Apollo capsule right before the Apollo 1 fire? Reading between the lines, and with 20/20 hindsight, Gus was predicting a major disaster, though I am sure he expected it to happen in space, not on the pad during a test.

      Damn. Just thinking about that whole mess of rotten fish has gotten my eyes watering.

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    3. And nothing is worse than finding out you could have talked to 'X' or 'Y' before they departed, but you've missed or avoided the opportunity.

      Regret tends to be a running theme in my life. Which is why I am glad I made it here. But even then, I missed Buck by only a little bit. I have a feeling that he would have been as much fun to spar with as OberstGrammatikführer PLQ.

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    4. Beans the 1st - Sort of, just a sequence of events that are rather typical of minor things which can go wrong, which can turn into major things.

      Watering eyes, copy.

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    5. Beans the 2nd - I'm sure you and Buck would have had some interesting interactions. Man was a bear regarding commas.

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  9. On loss the best way it was described to me was years ago...and it has stayed with me.

    It's a hole in your soul.
    With time, the hole gets smaller,
    but it never really goes away.

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  10. Beans - as someone told me years ago....You can't play "shoulda coulda woulda"

    It's fortunate that we don't know the future isn't it?

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  11. Ok, now after reading the post as well as all the comments...I just want to give ya'll a great big hug!!!

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    Replies
    1. Hug recieved. Thanks, Suz, I needed that. Sometimes the inner Teutonic darkness gets too close to the surface, and people like, well, here at this blog are what is needed. People that get it.

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    2. Thanks Suz. Right back at ya.

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    3. Beans, we are all kindred spirits here. I'd go nuts without this place and all who stop by.

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  12. I miss him. Thank you for being a part of this aching sadness and remembering him. Remembering with me. Memorial Day lasts all year. Glad I knew so many fine young men (aviators are always young).

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    Replies
    1. Good to hear from you WW. The shared pain makes it somewhat tolerable. Yes, they are always so young. Best regards to you and yours.

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  13. I have not the words to express my feelings about Lex, so I'll just use the ones William provided: "It's a hole in your soul.
    With time, the hole gets smaller, but it never really goes away."

    Paul L. Quandt

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  14. While I never knew or read Lex, I can fully relate to everyone's continued sadness over his passing. The fact that warriors sometimes do not return from what turns out to be a final mission is a cruel reminder of the short, unpredictable nature of the life we are blessed with. We have a flag from the funeral of a dear friend, now more than ten years gone. It's been sitting in a bag in storage simply because it's been too painful to look at everyday if displayed in the house. But I brought it out the other day and think my wife and I can now deal with it being more appropriately located. We were honored to have been given custody of it, we should now have it displayed to honor the memory of our friend, who was a fierce warrior and gentle soul at the same time and who got more out of life than many who live twice as long. So yes, what William and PLQ said.

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Just be polite... that's all I ask. (For Buck)
Can't be nice, go somewhere else...

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