But it certainly looks like I did.
During the design of the Marble Throne Room, the progeny were concerned that The Old Man (i.e. Your Humble Scribe) being advanced in decrepitude and all, might perchance require certain handles and rails so as not to fall and injure his ancient self. (Yes, yes, I'll get to the "I didn't shank a smurf" thing in a moment.)
Yes, yes, I am a bit less spry than I used to be, and a lot of my cat-like grace has been lost. Which reminded me of this exchange on one of juvat's posts from a week or so ago -
The foot shuffling, the swaying back and forth, yup, that's me on the dance floor. If I run into something it's, unlike the rhino, unintentional. But no doubt has the same effect on those I stumbled into as the folks in that vehicle.
So yeah, I've never been graceful, but clumsy?
Anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago I'm telling the guys at work about this concern my adult children have for my ability to remain upright...
"I mean it's my wife who's the klutz, I'm fairly nimble I..."
"You're the guy who slammed his finger in a door last Fourth of July... Remember?" My boss said, interrupting my protestations about being clumsy.
Well, okay, guilty as charged. But I don't fall down all that much.
Anyhoo, the smurf thing (all of the above was setting the stage, an attempt to illustrate that Your Humble Scribe is not without his awkward moments).
Back in May of 2012, The Missus Herself and I spent a week in Italy, part of which was recounted here, and one of our side trips was to a restaurant in Tuscany, pretty sure it was this one -
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Anyhoo, long story short, while in the processing of printing something from my computer on Sunday last, I noted that the ink was just about gone. The thing I printed looked rather like a blank sheet of paper with some very faint hieroglyphics here and there. Nothing really discernible, time to change the ink cartridges in Mr. Printer.
No problem says I, I bought some new cartridges from the Interwebz a couple of years ago, enough to change the ink twice. This would be the second time (for those of you keeping score at home).
Opening the top of the printer (to which my computer started whinging about "the top of the printer is open!" Well, no shit Sherlock, I did that, it ain't like gravity just reversed its polarity or something, it ain't like juvat "rerouted the power conduits, reversing the polarity of the beam so that I could receive phone calls from Pluto" - love that line so I
As I started I thought to myself, "Hhmm, maybe I should read the directions..." but I did that after I changed the black cartridge (there are four - black, red, blue, and yellow). For the heck of it, I glanced at the directions whilst preparing to load the blue cartridge, seeing this
"DO NOT SQUEEZE THE CARTRIDGE WHILE REMOVING THE ORANGE TAB!!"
I was chuckling about that as I pulled the orange tab from the cartridge, at the same time feeling a certain wet sensation upon my right hand which was caused by the left hand, indeed, squeezing the damned cartridge.
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Yup, 'tis a complete goof I am, a real Captain Dumas (not pronounced in the French style). The Missus Herself immediately shook her head upon hearing my imprecations from the computer room at Chez Sarge, knowing instinctively that I had gotten into some misadventure. What I like to call "the weekend."
Showing her the results of squeezing the cartridge, all she could say was...
"You're an idiot..."
She might be on to something there.
Maybe it's time to shop for hand rails and the like for the Marble Throne Room.
Sigh...
That hand! How did my grandfather's hand get in that opening photo? Mysterious indeed!
I mean, the real answer is that they put sugar and blue food coloring in it, and the “ha ha joke” response is just a deflection from the sordid truth.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, to be fair, if you put red dye in white wine, even expert tasters think it’s red wine, so the blue taste is mostly in your head anyways. Yum!
Uh, if you put red dye in my white wine I could tell the difference if it's a very good one. I don't think those are "expert" tasters.
DeleteAs to the blue wine, I don't remember it tasting any different than any other sweet wine. Perhaps they used sugar-free Smurfs?
I think there's something in the wiring when the phrase " Do not squeeze/pull/push/open et al" that causes the mind to delete the "not" word, at least with me. Thanks for the chuckle this morn Sarge. Oh, hand rails in the throne room were installed when the parents moved in, helped them tremendously. Now I'm finding the bars in the shower to be rather helpful when maneuvering in there.
ReplyDeleteI like your theory!
DeleteI doubt I'll put bars in the bathroom. I think those slings they use for horses would work fine. I've got a spare chain fall in the shop.
ReplyDeleteI get blue fingers like that all the time. I'm not a smurf* assassin either. They make this sauce to put on steel so the scribe marks show up better. Marking out blue. I found that blue Sharpie works fine. It actually gets darker as you put on layers. The black tends to wipe off the previous layer when you try to add a layer. Actually, it isn't sharp, even thought it's a Sharpie. It's more of a jumbo Blue Fattie. Maybe a Blutie? Blattie?
Whatever they are, I have a box of them, and they work a treat!
Adviso: do not, under any circumstances, go to youtube and search for 'robot chicken smurfs'. If you do, do not watch it. If you do, any injuries are not my fault.
Man, there are a LOT of Adult Swim Smurf videos.
DeleteI'd return home from working as a mechanic at the shipyard and my wife would glance at me and say, "Using Prussian Blue today?" I swear the stuff migrates.
DeleteI've long since stopped using Dykem and switched to using sharpies.
Trace evidence!
DeleteIt does put a different spin on the phrase, "Feeling blue."
ReplyDelete"What happened to your hand?" "Smurf attack."
After watching the rhino clip I thought, "What caliber for rhinos?" Any gun used in a Main Battle Tank would probably be OK, and I want to be in the tank during a rhino attack.
Because of elderly owners, the stairs to the basement had a handrail on each side when we moved into this house, I removed one of them because we were young(er) and didn't need two handrails.
I put the second handrail back in a lot of years ago because I believe that avoiding the fall is better than recovering from the fall.
I think the next step will be following Nylon12's thoughts on shower bars. Oddly a shower bar isn't for imbibing adult beverages while showering. But if it was for adult beverages, I would be concerned about drink dilution, and each beverage would need to be in an adult sippy cup. (Adult sippy cups are also known as wine glasses)
Thanks for giving me a smile.
Heh, adult sippy cup, I like it!
DeleteI will not judge you for squeezing the toner cartridge. I have done far dumber things.
ReplyDeleteOh but I so deserve judgement. 😁
DeleteAll this reminds me of a statement I saw somewhere last week.
ReplyDelete"I put my pants on just like any other man, hopping around looking for a piece of furniture to hang onto."
Fits me to a T.
Hahaha!
DeleteMe too!
I’m fairly certain that MB and I visited that restaurant last summer.
ReplyDeleteShe enjoyed the smurf wine, so much so that we took advantage of the free shipping and now have samples of the other wines we tasted.
Our visit also involved a cooking class that included a trip to the farmers market, ravioli making, creating a salad, and soup making.
If I remember correctly, there was nap taking after lunch.
It's a pretty popular destination I've been led to believe.
DeleteSmurf Murderer! Your hand is BLUE! and I haven't seen a Smurf in years! That's more evidence than Adam Schiffforbrains has. Justice for the Smurfs I say.
ReplyDeleteNo witnesses.
DeleteKnow what I'm saying?
that's a lot of words to say ink cartridges design sucks pond slime from the bottom.
ReplyDeleteWell there is that...
DeleteAt least you didn't nuke yourself with a laserjet cartridge.
ReplyDeleteThat stuff is basically pure carbon black. Which is made from used motor or home heating oil. And is basically the same stuff as fingerprint powder.
As to handrails. Get them. They are nice to have.
I agree with Beans (as usual). The pistol analogy applies here. You don't need a handrail, until you need a handrail, then you need it bad! Besides it give you something to pull up on when you slipped and fallen and can't get up, because "real men" don't need grab rails. Or so you thought.
DeleteArgh, laserjet cartridges! The Black Death.
Deletejuvat - Hhmm, you may be on to something there.
DeleteChoke a smurf! Funny stuff. So is this semi-related vid: https://youtu.be/ozSRafURI8k
ReplyDeleteHeh, "Could you go and get her husband?"
DeleteI know that feeling.
(Don McCollor)...worked with the equivalent of an ink cartridge from Hell. Loading 900 lb bags of carbon mercury sorbent during power plant testing (dry, but same fineness). Procedure was to hoist the bag over the hopper, then open a bottom tube in the bag that mated to it. In theory there would be just a little puff of carbon dust if done properly. Now there were the mandatory accessories worn: Parka (because it was 10 degrees and a hellish wind), Disposable bunny suit over the parka, Hard hat under the hood of the bunny suit, Safety boots, Gloves, Ear plugs, Face mask, Goggles (fogged up) over glasses (fogged up), Flashlight (at night of course). Usual result was being enveloped in a cloud of that s--t, and with both hands to the elbows in it trying to get the tube mated. The stuff seem to penetrate right through leather boots and socks and it laughed at soap and water...
DeleteWhoa! I have nothing to top that. Holy crap!
DeleteSo I blew snotty coffee over crushed Smurfs. Just what I needed this morning as a bulwark against the veritable hailstorm of professional victims I encountered.
ReplyDeleteEven better that they crush the Smurfs at Ristorante Trepanni!
You can't make this stuff up!
What's really fun is blue wound spray, allegedly for veterinary use only, which contains gentian violet. Powerful stuff. I believe I have an amusing story to tell about the power of purple.
As for falling down, it's my opinion that old geezers like me should fall and get back up a lot. It's gonna happen anyway, so we should be good at it. I recommend PLF training. And also designing living spaces to be fall friendly rather than trying to make them fall proof. Because that's impossible. Pretty sure nerf comes in many designer styles including Italian Marblerf. And where's the fun in never falling down anyway?
Brilliant post.
Falling down is something one of my martial arts instructors insisted we learn. The ability to fall, not hurt yourself, and then get back up is a useful skill!
DeletePLF training, well, it's been a while, but I used to know that, I mean, I know it in theory.
I’m not sure I can actauall do a PLF in a tub. I’m thinking the relative dimensions aren't gonna work. Not that my corporeal dimensions have changed, Heavens no. More that showers and bathtubs aren’t as big as they used to be. AmIrite?
Deletejuvat. Corporeal Dimension Changing. It isn't limited to showers and bathtubs, and I first noticed it with older clothing.
Deletejuvat - Yup, PLF in the shower, guaranteed to be a waste of time.
DeleteJohn - CDC is real. All my old uniforms seem to have shrunk from being in the closet.
DeleteOK, so the Smurf blood all over your hand is a good chuckle!!
ReplyDeleteHowever, so ya don't fall down on a Smurf in that lovely Throne Room, and have to get blue blood out of tile, etc, put up the grab bars. And tell your kids that it isn't just old...um...mature folks that have slips and falls in the shower...the younger set does it as well. Hips don't discriminate, they break at all ages.Especially when ya land on a hard surface.
Get them put in. Please!! Broken bones take 8-12 weeks to heal, and you are pretty grounded while that happens. Which is a real drag.
Besides, I bet The Missus Herself would like to have one to hang on to when shaving her legs, just saying.
Gentian Blue is a very useful solution applied to certain wounds...which, like Betadine, I am always able to manage to get all over me, especially if I have worn light colored clothing to that patient's home that day.
So far as printer ink goes...I only have 1 word for ya: gloves!! Nitrile ones work well as they are snug, unlike vinyl gloves which are loose and not much help.
Grab bars, I think that might be a near future enhancement!
DeleteSacre blue! (I couldn't resist!)
ReplyDeleteTrès bon!
DeleteWhen you started out talking about the "throne room", I was certain you were going to say you got the stain from replacing a Tidy Bowl container. The reason I thought of THAT is because I stained my hands doing that once. Or five or six times. I forget.
ReplyDeleteI can see that happening. I'm going to keep my distance from that kind of thing!
Delete