Two (old) Movie Reviews - Reviews from... the FUTURE

 Yes, I am now in control.  Of what?  Who knows.  I sure don't.

So because the WAGs and SAGS and, for all I know, the Wompenags, were ON! STRIKE! for unknown reasons in this wonderful economy where inflation is about three times the official government reported level, as witnessed by all the food price increases and lack of food sales (when a store normally has regular sales of lots of items, and has over 30 years, suddenly to not have the same items on sale is very suspicious) over the last three years (wonder why... not), there has been a dearth of television drama and comedy this fall.  

So we at the Beans' household (Mrs. Andrew (Bean's wife,) aforementioned Beans (moi) and Kegan the wonder dog (we were told by a reputable K9 DNA company that he'd get 85lbs, so we wonder why he so far has maxed out at 135lbs (no silly euro-metric scales here, bubs and bubbettes, it's all old American Freedom!! units)) have been watching, when we watch, old tv shows (on DVD, no commercials, new murder-death-kill crime shows ("The First 48" is the best) and DVDs of various movies.

We've watched the traditional favorites like "True Lies" and all the Clint Eastwood westerns and cop movies and lots of Nicholas Cage movies, and have come to some old ones.  Of which we must speak of now.

First is a movie much beloved of women back when it came out in 1981.  Which is "Arthur" with Dudly Moore, Liza Minelli and Sir James Gielgud.  A wonderful story of man meets woman and falls in love with said woman.  Unfortunately, Arthur is a drunk.  And an ass.  And a jerk.  Hasn't worked at a job one day in his life because his family is rich.  His family wants him to marry Susan, who is the daughter of a new money millionare, whom Arthur doesn't like. (well, to be fair, nobody except the script writers really like Arthur.)  And then he falls in love with a shoplifting waitress and... yeah.

No.  I don't. Wish I was Arthur, that is.

Have his money? Yes.

Live his life? No.

Read below why I say so.

Other than Sir John Gielgud, this movie stinks like yesterday's fish left out on the counter during a heatwave.  I mean, all Dudley does is act drunk, showing that his character had no redeeming characteristics and acts drunk all while knowing his family's money will allow him to do whatever he wants (like driving while drinking hard liquor.)

The only reason I can see why women like this movie is that the poor (shoplifting) waitress 'rescues' the drunken schmuck rich boy and will live happily ever after as she and the audience are left to believe that Arthur will finally stop drinking now that he has found true love.

Buharrrfff.

I am of the firm belief that the same women who think Linda will save Arthur are the same women who love "Freebird" even though the song Freebird firmly tells the women that, no, the singer is not going to change, he's not going to do anything different and he's gonna dump your butt when he wants and can.  Doesn't stop women swooning over this song.

Again, Hobson (Sir John Gielgud) is the best character in the whole movie.  Why?  Because he is the only one that treats Arthur like the fly-covered turd that Arthur is.  And he's Arthur's butler.  The closest person to Arthur.  The only one who can or will tell Arthur the truth.  And he dies halfway through.

Wife loves this movie.  So do a lot of other people.  I think the movie would have been better if the movie was just a long version of the 'slapping the hysterical passenger' gag from "Airplane" with 'Arthur' as the slappee.

Hates this movie.  With a burning passion most associated with eating too much low-quality Taco Bell.

On the other hand, the next movie is a fantastic WWII action adventure rescue flick, based on a true story, with real WWII equipment and uniforms and stuff, with lots of big-named stars, released in 1963 and made by Disney no less.

That is... "Miracle of the White Stallions."

Yes, a Disney flick. So?

I also like the original "Snow White" and "Sleeping Beauty." Because they are very very good movies.

Whut? (referring to Miracle of the White Stallions.)

Yep.  It's about the Spanish Riding School (think Lipizzaner Stallions) in Austria at the end of WWII, and saving what they could from the Russians.  And the subsequent plea to the Americans to rescue the mares that were behind the demarcation line that became the real "Operation Cowboy" as authorized by Gen. Patton himself.  In other words, the Lipizzaner Stallions (and mares.)  (Operation Cowboy wiki:  Operation Cowboy - Wikipedia )

One of the stars is Eddie Albert (that guy from Green Acres) who sings German drinking songs in the movie.  And he's got a good voice.  Seems he did music theater for a living.  He also was a High Wire Aerialist and Clown in a Mexican Circus before WWII (actually, he was a US Army Intelligence Corps spy who was photographing German ships and U-Boats and other Germans that came to Mexico. 

And he was a war hero.  As a Lieutenant in the USNR, he was a coxswain of a landing craft at Tarawa, Bloody Tarawa, and rescued 45 stranded and drowning US Marines and directed the saving of 30 more while under heavy fire, for which he received the Bronze Star with Combat V.  (For those not in the know, Tarawa Bloody Tarawa was a cluster-copulation due to a variety of errors, like not getting the tide tables correct, so there was exposed reef for the first wave to have to cross and then high tide started coming in (thus many marines drowning and needing to be rescued.)

Even better, the battle segment has actual SS equipped troops using actual German camoflage, German rifles and machine guns, the famous MG42 seen on both a fixed heavy mount and set up as light machine guns using the built-in bipod (you can tell they're MG42s due to the sheet metal square-cross section guard over the barrel,) and a 7.5cm Pak 40 anti-tank gun. Soo friggin cool.

The rest of the German stuff, from locomotives and rolling stock to trucks, wagons, uniforms, decorations, actual castles and locations (like the Spanish Riding School in Vienna, Austria) and, of course, the Lipizzaner stallions, clothing of civilians, is spot-on.  (Wish modern movies paid as much attention to period details.)

Oh, the Lipizzaners... These are a sub-breed of Andalusians (from the planes of Andalusia in Spain)(thus the 'Spanish Riding School' thingy) that turn white as they mature, starting out as black and turning dapple grey and then white.  And lots of action scenes of the horses doing their stuff, dancing, jumping, strutting, just being beautiful horses..

Seriously, if you can catch the Lipizzaners, whether from the actual Spanish Riding School in Vienna, Austria, or the copy-cat American version, you gotta go.  I've seen them once as a kid and twice as an adult and loved them every times.  These are real warhorses people.  Real frigging warhorses.

The American equipment is just as great as the Kraut/Austrian stuff.  Real M-24 Chaffee light tanks, jeeps, M8 Greyhound armored cars, M20 reconnaissance cars (an M8 with the turret removed,) M7 HMC - Priests (105mm howitzers on an M3/M4 Medium chassis) and M37 HMC (105mm howitzers mounted on an M24 light chassis.)  And rifles, and uniforms and such. 

By now juvat's eyes are glazing, so I'll just tell him in words that he'll understand.  Lots of targets and lots of not-targets.  Got it, juvat?  Hit the targets, don't hit the not-targets.  Yeesh, so simple even juvat can understand it.

In other words, horses, Nazis, Americans, real history, real issues, horses, tanks and guns and stuff.

Made when Disney could actually make a good movie.

Highly recommend watching it if you can find it.

Otherwise, have a Happy Thanksgiving weekend.

And remember, the original Thanksgiving was giving Thanks to God that the Pilgrims actually survived their brief foray into communism, and after ditching said communism they became good farmers and produced actual crops.  Not bad for a bunch of city folk that got disinvited to stay in the Netherlands and were prepared to hire themselves out as a military force to natives and other colonists from England but landed in the wrong place and tried to make a go on land that the previous tribe (that died out due to combat, poor land management and disease) had left in poor poor shape.