I write this as I am sitting in my timeshare over the F1 track in Las Vegas. Second year in a row for me, and the second year in a row that my friend had something come up and he couldn't join. This would be one of those perfect guy trips, go to Vegas, watch the race, drink a little, etc. but others in my small circle of friends are uninterested or couldn't break away. My wife has no interest either, so I'm a little bored, if not maybe a tiny bit lonely. I found some exhibits to keep me busy though.
However, I'm perfectly fine just hanging out by myself, and have some experience. When my mother-in-law fell and my wife had to fly up to Oregon to help her, she was gone for almost a month. You might remember I joined her for a bit of that, but outside of it I kept myself busy with my collateral duty as the Director for Membership for the KofC here in California. It's a year-long position and there's always something to be done for it, either welcoming new members, giving guidance to councils on how to recruit, helping start new ones, reactivate old ones, etc. Fortunately I'm at a lull right now before Thanksgiving so it's a good time for the race.
Speaking of my mother-in-law, while we put her into assisted living back in September, we were unable to follow that up with, nor did we think we would need guardianship or conservatorship over her, which was a mistake. Getting an appointment to see a lawyer up there was easy, but the appointment isn't until next month. And in that time, my MIL checked herself out and moved back into her house. She called a cab and just left. She has dementia, but it isn't all consuming, and she can function somewhat. However, she also has physical concerns which is why she fell and why we placed her there. At the time she was accepting of it, and even admitted she can't drive anymore, and gave her car away to a niece. However, the other day we got a call from a car dealership (they know the family) as she was in their lobby trying to buy another car. They couldn't legally stop her from buying, but since she no longer had a license (it had an expired last April) they wouldn't let her take possession. We're not sure if she actually made the purchase. There's no change in her bank account so probably not. My wife's sister and cousin have set her up with home health, and a maid, and I still have some VA paperwork I need to get submitted to help cover some costs. Her leaving might have been a blessing as the cost of that facility was pretty high, and we found out that her mom had spent every cent of what my father-in-law had left her. While the house and car were purchased with cash, the rest of the fortune, 40 years of Dad owning & working for the family garbage company, had been spent frivolously, or given away through misplaced generosity. There were also some scam-ish behavior by some folks, taking advantage of her. Going through paperwork we found payments for various things around the house and the old ranch that were astronomic, people gave estimates that were sky high, and she just accepted it. And thus, we wouldn't be able to afford that assisted living facility without putting her house on the market or up for rent. To make matters worse, the rents up there would have to be combined with every cent she brought in monthly from social security and Dad's disability payment. If the dementia gets worse, we will have to rethink memory care, but we will see how the appointment goes with the attorney and efforts to seek guardianship.
Until then she has home health coming several days a week, the niece who was given the car is checking in regularly, and another cousin has been hired to keep the house clean as another check-up on her. She really needs 24/7 care but we can't afford that right now. We did purchase a life alert system for her home as well. We have mixed emotions about this, trying to do what is right for her, but she isn't happy with us taking over her finances, telling the dealership to tell her no, and other acts that she sees as controlling.
I will reiterate what I stated in my previous post about this issue: Have those conversations with your children now. Children, ask your parents what they want when it gets to this point.
I will touch a bit about politics, but not really a rant. I am back at work which is nice, and it only took two days to clear out my inbox. I may regret my fast-paced purge, deleting things that might be important, but I can blame Congress. Will there be another furlough on January 30th? I can definitely see it happening. One of the agreements for the Dems voting to reopen the government was that Obamacare subsidies would be discussed. However, we all now see that that is just a pass-through from the federal government, by way of more and more debt, just printing money, right into the coffers of the insurance companies. It does nothing about why Obamacare is so GD expensive. I don't think this issue will be solved by January 30th if that is the Dems litmus test for further funding. Can they develop an actual budget with something that needs to be completely reformed? I don't think so, but over the years I've become a political cynic. Could Trump the dealmaker figure something out to help? That wouldn't surprise me. However, the list of donations by big pharma and big insurance to politicians on both sides of the aisle is long.
Anyhoo, I'll be back to work on Tuesday (probably when you're reading this), and have the long turkey-coma weekend after that. We're hosting the family again which has unfortunately gotten smaller. The short lives my family seems to live is another reason why I relish these vacations. You never know how long you have, so celebrate when you can, even if you're by yourself. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and keep the prayers going for Juvat's recovery.
*Paper? That's becoming a dated reference.
That's a tough call on your mother-in-law, she appears to be independent enough to be a danger to herself, does she have access to a phone since Uber/Lyft exist. Prayers out for her. Oh.. that chart you posted....those "Medical Societies" sure have a lot of $$$ to donate to politicians, look at two of the top three names on that list, what a surprise eh? A most Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Tuna.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nylon. That's a good way to put it- Independent enough to be a danger. We need bubble wrap for her finances!
DeleteAging, it's not a graceful thing.
ReplyDeleteMight want to have a pharmacist look over the meds your parent is on. We did for our live downstairs Wife's parents.
Seemed a few of them were to cure the side effects of others, that the Pharmacist was puzzled why they were on them at all.
After checking with our Dr. They went from almost a dozen to 3 and it was AMAZING how the falls and dementia issues went away.
I had to be the bad man to take Dad's keys away after a fender-bender he drove away from back home and I had to calm the person following. Like your Mom story, they had a Spare Set and when we went off on a cruise (I had "flattened" two tires just in case) we called home at the loading ramp. Nobody home... Tried again in a few minutes..nobody home. Called Pete our neighbor and they asked Pete to fix their car and they just got home right about then. Wife read them the Riot Act....
When we got back home, I sold their car, with crying "MY LIFE IS OVER" from Mom and glares from Dad. And I took up being their twice weekly ride to lunch.
They both passed a few years ago, I still miss them. Love them like today is the last day, will be true sometime.
Thanks. I think we have had that conversation with her doc. Unfortunately she spends like she thinks she still has money. I don't know who she's taking out to lunch/dinner on the regular, but I have access to her bank accounts and see that she's spending a lot there. If it's family, I need to yell at them.
DeleteMy wife saw quite enough of "Care Homes" when she became responsible for her ancient parents. She concluded that when her turn comes she wants to stay at home, even if that eventually requires paying for a live-in carer. Will she be able to afford that? For some time, I suppose; if she runs through our money could she borrow from the family, with the debts to be repaid by sale of the house when she dies? But how easy/legal/practical is it for someone falling into dementia to borrow and promise to pay back? I suppose the loans could be protected by a "charge" on the house. I suppose the loans could be arranged early before her mind is too weak. It's unlikely I'll be there to organise things so administration will fall to our daughter and son-in-law who live abroad and will probably still be abroad when the problem arises. She also has a godson whom we like and trust. But given his own family responsibilities there would be a limit to the help he could give. And he's no spring chicken either.
ReplyDeleteWould it be safer - though more costly - to arrange an "equity release mortgage" than to depend on family money? And what happens if that all gets spent too? Urgh.
Yes, it was expensive, and so is home health, but we think we can make it work. If it comes time, we'll force her out and sell the house to pay for it. When it's too dangerous for her in the house, I won't feel as bad about making those hard decisions.
DeleteI had a Power of Attorney for an Alzheimer friend. Thankfully he did the will and POA as soon as his diagnosis. When I went looking for a place for him to live everyone was over $6K monthly. But what you talk about when they are still with you they won't remember a word they've agreed too. Write it out and have them sign it. Even then they'll say that they didn't agree to it. There is NO up side to this at all. It only gets worse. My person died unexpectedly last month the day before he was to go to the memory care.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you can get before a judge and get guardianship. You can move her money so she can't give, spend or be taken advantage of. But they really cannot make a rational decision. Mine lost over 50 pounds because he would forget to eat. And when your doing this from a different town makes it very hard on all. So sorry your MIL and you and your wife is going through this. Ir's hard when they are alive but then you have to clean out a house, garage and dispose of everything. I'm now two month into the house part. Fun part has been find guns in sock drawers, under thing and all over the house. Good Luck
Will do. We went through her house when she was in the home and found all sorts of interesting spending. 12 brand new, tag on, still in wrapping suitcases. Where's she gonna go? Probably $5k of expired food in her garage and pantry. Brand new computer still in the box (she had one already that works). Kitchenaid mixer, still in box (she had one already). Etc.
DeleteThe Nuke and Tuttle are jealous, they're big Formula 1 fans.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with you MIL, it's a sad time of life but we all need to go through it at some point I guess.
They're welcome to watch from my room next year!
DeleteI think we can avoid the "we all need to go through it" if those hard conversations are had and finances are known. Her overspending was probably due to early dementia.
Tuna - In a weird set of circumstances, I passed through Las Vegas when they were setting up for the F1. Amazing that so much of that is temporary.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experiences. My patents had planned for this sort of thing for years so when the time came they were financially in a reasonable state. Still, it was hard. My sister lived close so she was able to be pretty involved in their finances.
Planning more consciously for this aspect of my/our lives seems to be gaining an increasing urgency in my mind.
The 4 story white building in the center of that opening photo remains in place all year- the rest is temp, but it takes 3 months for setup/teardown and my friends/relatives in Vegas hate it. Traffic was impossible.
DeleteFree advice, for what that is worth. This aging business isn't for the weak. Now 81, and with memories of what we went through with our mother, I think I've got the processes in place so my children will not be burdened. Guilt that you are not doing more is insidious and must be guarded against. Your wife and you have your own lives and responsibilities that must have first priority.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice if we had a way to trigger a guardianship once certain behaviors are present. I suppose giving up independence before it happens, if the parent was willing to give it up, is another way, but we want to be independent as long as possible. Thank you for that last part.
DeleteGlad you are back at work. Hope the Dems don't force another shutdown but their lack of common sense will probably lead to another, dammit.
ReplyDeleteMy mom went through what you're going through with her mom. It isn't easy at all. And it's the price we pay for living so far away from each other. That Apple watch thing that juvat mentioned last week is sounding better and better.
The life alert can detect a fall I think. If she wears it. She left it when going out of town to visit a friend for the week.
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