Well, That Was Annoying...

How Satellite TV Supposedly Works.
(Diagram does not show the massive amounts of cash needed to propel the system.)

Rather than regale you with more nautical, historical tales of submarines, destroyers, battleships, aircraft carriers, and heavily armed sampans (which could, in theory, defeat the "mighty" LCS), I have a tale of misery to share. It is a tale which, while not "needing" to be told, should be told. As a public service announcement kind of thing. While I was tempted to title the post "AT&T delenda est," I didn't, for AT&T is a hydra, cut off one head, several more will appear. Trust me.

First some background. When first arriving here in Little Rhody, fast by the shores of Narragansett Bay, we weren't really in a hurry to sign up for cable TV. We had survived quite nicely in Germany on one to three channels in English and the few German channels available via antenna. The variable number of English channels was dependent upon whether or not the Dutch/Belgian stations were showing an American TV program at any particular moment.

We also remembered cable TV from our time out on the Great Plains, (well, Omaha) and were not impressed with the content available for the significant amount of American dollars required to access such a service. Being a right cheap bastid, I was content with the few local channels available via "rabbit ears." (Seriously, we were still using those as late as 2004 I think it was.)

Eventually though I realized that my salary as a civilian was rather a lot larger than my pay had been as a Master Sergeant. So one day we decided that this newfangled DirecTV thing was perhaps worth the output in hard currency for the acquisition thereof. For the price of a mere fifty simoleons the good folks at DirecTV would come to the house and mount a wee antenna on the roof, facing in the optimum direction for satellite reception. The equipment itself we bought at Best Buy, no muss, no fuss as the domicile had most of the coaxial cable needed already installed.

Within a period of perhaps an hour we now had access to jillions* of channels of stuff. One of my personal favorites being The History Channel, back when the programming contained actual history and not the reality TV crap they seem to purvey in this day and age.

Well, we had those jillions of channels when it wasn't raining hard or snowing. Well, hard rain is rather a "thing" when one lives but a stone's throw (okay, it's further than that, but its close) from the mighty Atlantic Ocean. There seem to be no gentle rains here in Little Rhody fast by the shores of Narragansett Bay. Nope, when it rains it pours, each rainstorm seems to herald the end of civilization as we know it. Always driven by winds sufficient to make the use of an umbrella rather wishful thinking, if not an outright comedy of epic proportions. (Go ahead, ask me how I know, having walked across the parking lot at my place of employment attempting to maneuver my umbrella to keep from getting soaking wet. Usually all I managed to accomplish was keeping my head dry, from the waist down it looked like a pair of hip-waders might be a good investment on my part.)

Anyhoo, all that being said, it was a grand ride on DirecTV when the weather was okay. Gradually though, things changed. All the progeny grew up, moved out, and established families of their own, far from the ancestral hearth. DirecTV was kept around for those rare, yet precious, times when the grandkids would come to visit and expect to watch hour upon hour of My Little Pony and Dora the Explorer. (The latter program taught me to say "Yo soy Dora" with the aplomb and native accent of any denizen of the Spanish-speaking lands. Though that is somewhat akin to going around and saying "I am Groot" in the English-speaking world. Laden with meaning but it sounds like the same thing over and over again. But it does annoy my granddaughters so it is a skill I cherish.)

Anyhoo, on Saturday last, The Missus Herself marched into the Command Center at Chez Sarge, handed me a sheet of paper and demanded that I, "Do something." Glancing at the sheet of paper I noted a bill in the amount of something well north of a hundred Yanqui dollars for the latest installment of DirecTV.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed.

"Indeed!" she agreed.

To the phones I went, after discovering that the website for DirecTV was nearly as forthright and understandable as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Have I mentioned that some time ago AT&T, they of telephonic communication fame, had taken over DirecTV? No? Well, they did. Much like when they took over my cell phone provider (Cingular) I was not thrilled with their acquisition of the provider of my television content. DirecTV used to be acclaimed for their customer service. Note the tense used in that last sentence...

After yelling at the automated menu system enough times...

"Would you like to add a premium service to your DirecTV package? Press 1 for..."

"NO! I WANT TO SPEAK TO A BLOODY FREAKING HUMAN RIGHT-FIRE-TRUCKING-NOW YOU BLITHERING IDIOT MACHINE!!!!"

"Stand by while I connect you to a representative..."

What, I have to talk to a congresscritter? Nah, that's just what they call them, representatives. Very fancy that is.

So I was connected with a very nice lady who, once my account was accessed on the ever present computer, noted that I had been a "loyal customer" since 2004 (might have been 2005, I don't remember). At that point I noted that my loyalty was under severe strain and what-the-hell am I getting for this exorbitant price?

She agreed that my bill seemed "a little high."

A "little high"? Seriously, the monthly bill seemed higher than the national debt of some of the smaller countries on the planet. A "little high"? That's like saying Everest is kind of a big mountain. That the ocean is kind of big and hey, kind of deep too.

After the nice lady had managed to "talk me off the ledge" she explained that apparently someone had taken certain liberties with my account, such as adding new programming, a super keen neat-o "protection plan..."

"You mean like a Mafia protection plan?" I asked, somewhat smart-assedly.

"Heh. No sir. This plan covers the event of us having to dispatch a technician to your house. Normally that's a minimum ninety dollar charge. This covers that."

"So, for a hundred and twenty bucks a year, I can avoid that ninety dollar fee?"

"Well, it does sound bad when you put it that way."

"Yes, get rid of that. Don't want it, don't need it. Now what else can we do to drop this ridiculous price short of canceling the service altogether?"

"Let me dig into this further sir, I'm going to put you on hold."

"Okay."

Silence. Suspicious silence. No elevator music silence. Refreshing, yet disconcerting.

"Click."

Why did my phone just click, I thought to myself. Looking at the face of my cellular device, I noted that I was no longer connected to AT&T. Hhmm...

Hitting re-dial I once again fought my way through the automated menu system and accessed an actual human being.

"I was speaking with Marissa, please re-connect me with Marissa."

"Hello Sir, my name is Peter. How may I help you today?"

"Connect me with Marissa, that's all I want you to do."

"This is a big company sir, I don't know any Marissa."

"So you mean to tell me that I have to start all over again, from scratch as it were."

"How can I help you sir?"

"Disconnect my service, immediately."

"Uh, uh, let me connect you with a supervisor."

Once I was connected with a supervisor, another nice lady who again had to talk Sarge down off the ledge, I explained what had happened. She did not start saying she didn't know Marissa, nor that AT&T is a big company, she accessed my account on the computer.

"Let me see if Marissa started modifying your account before we go any further."

Whoa, I thought to myself, I've actually been put in touch with someone who can operate "off script."

In short order, the cost to me (on a monthly basis) had been reduced significantly, which convinced me to keep DirecTV as my TV service. I mean, all I really want are the local channels and those few extras that come as part of the basic package. I didn't want the following channels at all -

• The Golf Channel
• Fox Sports
• ESPN "The Ocho" (Yup, just kidding there.)
• The NHL Network (while I like hockey, I don't like it that much)
• The NFL Network (used to be good, too much "fantasy" football and draft news and rumors now for my taste)
• A bunch of others I don't watch and don't want to, like The Weather Channel, I stopped watching them when they started naming freaking winter storms. Bastids.

Anyhoo, the bill is now much smaller than it was, like maybe two-thirds of what it was. I mean I don't watch much TV anymore, a ball game every now and then depending on the season, most of which are carried on my local channels.

Yes, the grandkids can still watch My Little Pony and Dora the Explorer when they come to visit. I mean, I'm not a complete Luddite.

Oh, the time it took to reduce my DirecTV bill, roughly two hours.

Yeah, that was annoying.

Yo soy Dora...

/rant




* An approximation, to be sure.