It hit me Friday morning, well, it was close to morning, when I awakened from an exhausted, dreamless sleep. It's mid-September, past mid-September really. Based on the southern march of the sun, summer ends in four days. Based on my personal calendar, it ended almost three weeks ago. Based on the weather, well, let's just say the summer goes, then returns for a bit and will do that here in Little Rhody until October sometime. Further north there is already a bite in the air at night.
For me it's been a year without summer. Since I heard the words, "she's in the early stages of kidney disease," it became a time of waiting, followed by a time of mourning, which continues in varying stages.
Going out to Sandy Eggo to work on the ship has been a big help, busy, busy, busy. No time to mourn really, no time to wallow in the agony of loss. Which has helped me keep my sanity. Every now and then I find myself dwelling on loss, my own, that of others, and what it means to me.
Staggering down the stairs to get a cup of coffee, I was still groggy and only partially awake. I expected to see a familiar face look up from the back of the couch where she liked to sleep. It hit me, hard, she's gone. Her sister remains, and don't get me wrong, she's an awesome cat, but she doesn't have her sister's passion. Sasha lived life to the fullest, she was more than a cat, she was a friend, she was a constant companion for nearly eighteen years. Her not being here is a physical thing, something is missing. Anya knows this as well, she still looks for her sister, then looks to me as if to say, "What have you done with her?"
There are things we do for our companion animals, good and not so good things. The last decision one must make for a beloved companion is often the toughest decision one must make. I've had to do it, I'm sure you all have as well. I always wonder if it truly was the right thing to do. They come to me in my dreams to reassure me that they bear no grudge. But is that real, or is it my brain trying to comfort itself?
I don't know.
I'm looking forward to going out to the ship again, knowing that it might be the last time, retirement looms and I'm not getting any younger. The next few months will determine whether or not I really will hang up my virtual spurs at the end of next year.
I remember when it was time to retire from the Air Force, it was nice knowing that there were certain things I wouldn't have to do any more. Then there were the things that I knew that I would miss. But staying wasn't an option, it was time to move on.
Just like the summer, I will eventually move on from the massive sense of loss I'm currently experiencing. But all things must pass, new things come, old things go.
But for the moment, the pain of loss is nearly overwhelming...
On the Mend
Chris Shiflett, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel & Dave Grohl
One more day that I've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We're tethered once again
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
Was it you
Sat alone
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who's wandering back home
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
Was it you
Sat alone
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Losing a four footed member of the family is hard, more so when there's a decision to make when there's debilitating pain. Second guessing yourself is natural Sarge, playing God for a brief moment is ..well... upsetting to say the least. Good luck on your decision with career number two, had no regrets when I left. It helps to have a hobby or three though but work around the homestead doesn't count (honey-do lists especially).
ReplyDeleteI have more hobbies than I have time right now, retirement will help in that aspect.
DeleteSarge, I have had the same sudden realization about the year: it is already (practically) the end of September. There are 15 weeks left in the year. And I feel I have scarcely accomplished anything.
ReplyDeleteTraveling back and forth this year gives me a sense of seasons which I often lack, making things more real in the sense of speed: Here at The Ranch in Old Home, we will have the same as you described: a general cooling, then a blip of heat in early October, then the long slow slide to Winter. In New Home, it is just hot until we reach those two weeks called "Autumn", followed by the Long Winter.
As to our four footed friends - We act with the best intentions we can, but in point of fact we can (at some point) not avoid the pain of the other side of decision making. We bind ourselves - willingly - to them in ways that we may never bind ourselves to people. In the end - as with everything else in this life - it ends, and we are bereft. But as C.S. Lewis famously commented, the only way to avoid such things is to lock one's heart up in a box without life and air and never open it. That is scarcely a way to live.
For myself, as I have gone through the course of my career, I have always found that at some level, I seem to "know" when it was time to go. I would like to say that I have some kind of mystical "Life Energy, which binds the Galaxy together" - although sadly that seems to not be the case as my ability with moving objects with my mind is nil and the only person in danger from me with a sword is most likely myself. I suspect it is more just subconsciously knowing the situation and the fact that, for me at least, it has changed.
I would hesitate to offer any sort of advice on such matters (as it never seems to be the right sort of advice), but at least feel compelled to share my own change of mind and thoughts in the last year as we have continued to walk through my parents change of life: Life is a great deal shorter than any of us like to believe. We should do we what we can to spend it in ways we enjoy and find valuable, not just ways that we feel we should or are obligated to.
While I have accomplished quite a bit this year, it's gone by just too durned fast.
DeleteHaven't had to make that decision ... Yet. Our Airedales (litter mates) turned 11. They are slowing down appreciably and are showing some physical issues as well. Trying to steel myself for "that day" -or days; but can't yet. It'll be awful regardless. Till then we'll enjoy the time.
ReplyDeleteBoat Guy
Enjoy them while you can, it's all you can do.
DeleteT'is. As time draws nigh it's easier to forgive foibles. Fortunately they have us trained pretty well by now
DeleteBG
They do train us, don't they?
DeleteI feel you Sarge. Believe me. Interrupted grief is difficult. When mom passed, I had been on the run from Monday at 0700 to Wed at 1000. With about 8 hours sleep in all that time. I was so worn out, I was robotic. Zero emotional depth. It took years for me to fully work through the grief. I think there is a Jewish custom of taking 7 days to mourn a passing. A full week to focus and ponder and remember. I tend to think that is a good idea, based on the inability I had to do that and the time it took to grieve.
ReplyDeleteRetiring is gonna be another grieving. Prepare for it as best you can. I've been grieving a few things this year already. Possibly medically retired soon, health not where I want it, relationships not where I would like, year about done with little to show for it, just an all around crappy time. God knows what the future holds, so I'm trusting Him for the outcome. But also doing what I know to do. "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, knowing it is God working in you both to will and do of His good pleasure."
Life is messy and every person is unique. Makes for nonlinear functions with multiple variables.
Bury the body within 24 hours, 7 days of grieving, then a memorial one year after. It's what some conservative Jews do, definitely the more 'old school' ones. And it makes sense. 7 days to kind of recover, then a year later time to remember and really mourn.
DeleteSomething else old-school Jews believe in. The dead aren't really gone until they've been forgotten. Much truth in that statement.
STxAR - Interrupted grief being hard, indeed it is.
DeleteBeans - It might make sense to some people, not to me.
DeleteBut at least Septober is here! The finest weather of the year!
ReplyDeleteBah, September. A psychotic month, trying to be August-hot and October-cooler all month long. Bah. Late October and November, when the chill hits the air, the breath fogs, ah, that's the best. Plus it's the beginning of the holiday gorge-fest in November (well, technically the end of October if you buy too much candy...)
DeleteStB - There is that.
DeleteBeans - September can be a bitch.
DeleteAs I kind of inferred above, they are with us as long as we remember them. My wife still feels her dog, even though it's been 3 years now. There's a presence you can sense.
ReplyDeleteIt's why Shintoism makes sense. The spirits abound. Anything with a soul has a spirit, for good or ill. And good pets approach human-levels of souls, which is why I believe they are up in Heaven, and also they can wait around and make sure things are cool with us before going up to God's waiting room.
As to the work climate, you will or have already sensed a sea-change, like an old sailor does, that will tell you "time to quit." Definitely before they screw your pension, but maybe earlier if you get that feeling. It's hard to define, but, well, when you see that old blow-boat sailor just decide to return to harbor when the weather still looks fair, that, that's the sea change I'm talking about. When things just don't feel right anymore and home is calling.
Ah, weird weather abounds now, the seasons are changing, Fall is approaching and the change from summer-active to fall-harvest and fortify against the coming winter always makes me start contemplating my navel.
As to Sasha, pets know. It happened with Liesl. She was minor suffering from cancer, but was in good spirit and good appetite until she wasn't and it was that time. She knew it, we knew it. Still hard even now, even with the knuckleheaded boy-dog Kegan at my feet and mouthing my fingers and toes. But I don't regret a single day with Liesl, even the last day.
Dang. Getting teary and blurry here. See? Fall weather change does that. Part of that whole All Souls' Day thingy coming up soon. And part of the weather change that will have us (hopefully) huddling in our abodes to escape the cold weather (or, in a certain drjim's world, playing with his new snowblower if he ever gets it. Yes, I'm jealous, always wanted to play with a snowblower, but I don't ever want to have to deal with snow ever again, got my taste of it one day and that was enough, thank you, and now I've cursed myself and it's sure to snow here in North Central Florida for at least 2 days...)
Anywho... Thanks for opening up to us and letting us share your life. We're here for you and yours.
Beans - Were I not Christian, I would find Shinto highly attractive. The concept that the world is filled around us not just with visible life but the kami is attractive and (to my mind logical - after all, I can neither see IR nor UV, but we know it is there).
DeleteThe concept of the spirit filled world is also one that Christianity embraces (or for a lot of people, used to embrace until sort of taken over by our modern scientific age. We like to read the words "There more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are imagined of in your philosophy", but do not really practice it.)
Beans - Roger that.
DeleteTB - Indeed, there are more things in heaven and earth. The priests ruin it for me.
DeleteTB - nothing in my studies of Christianity say that there aren't kami or spirits or souls or something that exist in places and in stuff. Actually the only two things that the Bible says don't have souls or spirits are... Angels and devils. Which is why the devils (fallen angels) got peeved at God because he gave us (and I believe, a whole lot of other things) souls where he denied his worker-bee angels souls. It's why Angels have no pupils in their eyes as the eyes are the windows of the soul. (Thereby dispelling plants as having souls...)
DeleteI have known a few Catholic priests who have quietly subscribed to objects and places having 'souls' or spirits. You can feel it when you go to a truly holy place. Or to a place steeped in evil.
It's weird saying this. But you know what I mean if you've ever experienced a place or an object that had 'something.' Ships, boats, cars, guns, places in nature.
God made the world. He didn't make it with a complete instruction and explanation book that goes along with it. Some things are just... mysterious.
Take the mystery and wonder out of religion and you're left with a mindless cult. Obey or perish, a pox on that.
DeleteBeans, I do know what you mean. There are places that just “feel right”. For no discernible reason, and places that are exactly the opposite. Again , for no discernible reason.
DeleteNone that we mere mortals can discern...
DeleteEsteemed wife recently adopted a kitten. He may outlive me as I have attained octogenarian status. If so she will have to do the digging when he goes. This summer was extremely short. We only got to the beach on two occasions but we made the best of it with champagne and lobster (private beach, Carrie Nation rules do not apply. The bath house is empty and the chairs have been placed in lay-up. The tomatoes are gone, Bambi got the last of the string beans, butternut squash vines are starting to dry up and the potatoes are almost ready to harvest. It is time to prep the snow plows. I have 2, 1 for under 4" accumulations and the truck mounted for anything heavier. If only the bureaucrats would wisen up and tie Daylight savings time to the Equinox things would seem closer to normal. Old Guns
ReplyDeleteAmen to the change to Daylight savings time! (And a pox on mindless bureaucracy!)
DeleteReplacement kitty perhaps? They always bring us sadness, and we bring it on ourselves. It's a good trade though, for the happiness they bring us.
ReplyDeleteNot as long as Anya lives.
DeleteMaybe Anya would mentor/train the newbie? When we lived in a much less developed section of town, gravel roads, etc. stray cats & dogs would turn up fairly regularly, usually after the demise of one of the resident group or as the senior critter started to show signs of aging. Most were welcomed into the group and paid due homage to their seniors. There would be an occasional Tom who wanted to be Alpha but proper application of peer pressure brought them to the light. In over fifty years of marital bliss I only had to bite one. Old guns
DeleteAnya gets her time as sole cat, it is our way.
DeleteSorry to hear you're still feeling her loss, Sarge. You're right, we've all gone through it, and we all wonder if it's the right thing to do. I always take solace in what our Vet back in Long Beach told us; "When it's Time, You'll Know".
ReplyDeleteBut you never stop second guessing yourself, well, I don't. I'll always wonder...
DeleteNever having owned a cat, I'm sure it's different. But, so far, our Vet has been right every time with the dogs we've owned and loved. You can almost see it in their eyes, telling you it's time.....
DeleteCats know, but they can be very stubborn. Sasha wasn't ready to quit, even though she could barely move at the end. But she knew and she let go.
DeleteSo sorry for your loss of such a special cat. I've (almost) lost count of the number of cats I've had...high teens for sure. And almost a dozen dogs. The last dog was the killer, can't do another. Anyway, I've been collecting poems since her loss, maybe this one will comfort you:
ReplyDeleteYou'll Meet Me In The Light
I know that you can't see me
But trust me, I'm right here.
Although I'm up in Heaven,
My love for you stays near.
So often I see you crying,
Many times you call my name.
I want so much to lick your face,
And ease some of your pain.
I wish that I could make you see,
That Heaven is indeed real.
If you could see me run and play,
How much better you would feel.
But our loving God has promised me,
That when the time is right,
You'll step into the darkness,
And meet me in the Light.
I don't know the author.
Diane
That's beautiful. Thank you.
Delete