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First thing The Missus Herself noticed was the simple, closed, pine box. Some ancient memories were pinging deep in my mind but nothing popped up to answer her perplexed look, Korean customs being much different than ours.
On the drive back to work, it struck me, the simple pine box, the closed casket, traditional Jewish funeral custom. Jake having parents who survived the Holocaust, it all fit together.
I rather like the closed casket custom, out of respect for the deceased, better to remember them when they were alive than seeing them dead. I refused to go to my paternal grandmother's wake as I didn't want to see her lying lifeless in a coffin. She was a vital part of my young life and we were very close.
This was not a childish thing, I was 18 and in college when she passed away, nevertheless my parents were both pretty angry about it. Still I did not yield, and I did not go. The funeral itself was closed casket, I often wonder if my attitude had anything to do with that. Had it been open casket, I would not have gone and I made sure everyone knew that.
At any rate, I never saw her dead, in my memory she is still alive and always will be. I never saw my paternal grandfather lying lifeless in a coffin either, I was on Okinawa when he died. Though my sergeant and my commander facilitated me going home on emergency leave (not a normal thing for a grandparent's death, it's up to the commander), I didn't make it back in time for the funeral. So in my memories I remember him when he was alive.
My maternal grandparents, I remember them lying there, lifeless and cold. I still regret that, but they died when I was older and somewhat wiser. So I went along with convention. But I will never, ever forget that, and still regret it.
My Dad, same thing, but I had to be there to say a final goodbye to the man who had a lot to do with who I am today. But I can remember him dead, it gets harder and harder to remember how he was alive. The last two weeks he spent in the hospital, in a morphine-induced coma, doesn't help.
So yes, I like that Jewish custom and think it wise and fitting.
On a not-quite-separate note, my favorite band, the Foo Fighters, have a new album out which deals a lot with grief and loss. The front man for the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl, having lost his Mom and his best friend over the last year or so, the album was greatly influenced by those two deaths.
Oddly enough, I suppose to some but not to me, I still grieve for my little cat, Anya. The album has actually helped me in that grieving process. One of the songs on the album, "The Teacher," written by Dave Grohl, Rami Jaffee, Nate Mendel, Chris Shiflett and Pat Smear, about Dave's Mom, who was a teacher really hit me the other day.
With Rob's comment from yesterday, which provides the title of this post, this line from the song really struck home -
Try and make good with the air that's leftCountin' every minute, livin' breath by breathBy breath, by breath, by breath, by breath, by breath
It's all you can do really ...
And you should do it now, before it's too late.
Peace, my friends.
Ah, memories of loved ones that passed can be tricky depending on what triggers there are. Peace onto you Sarge.
ReplyDeleteSome memories are best left alone.
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-FdhLoFgkc
ReplyDeleteI used to feel the same way about closed caskets. But I have come to embrace the Eastern Orthodox view of it. The body itself is a holy thing. It's been washed in Baptism, anointed with "the seal of the Holy Spirit" and not something to be bagged and discarded. In our funeral service it is at several points censed by the priest, and blessed with holy water, so the casket must be open. And there is the custom of the final kiss, showing reverence for both the soul and body of the departed. That isn't a requirement, but a goodly custom. Usually on the forehead or hands, or the icon that is placed on the chest.
Yes, if there has been a disfiguring accident, or the body was in a state of advanced decomposition, of course it will be a closed casket.
A few other customs. It is preferred that the body not be embalmed as it means the body is cut and blood - a part of the body and therefor holy - is drained. Simple wooden coffins, plain clothing, sometimes a baptismal robe, and no vault so that the coffin is laid on bare ground. What has come to be known now as "green burial."
Fascinating customs, I learned something new today. Which is always good. Thanks, Joe!
DeleteSarge, like you I am not a fan of open caskets, although I am not sure why (and thanks, Joe, for the explanation of Eastern Orthodox customs). To your point, remembering the person as they were is part of it.; the other is simply that the person themselves is no longer there; it is only a husk that has been temporarily discarded (but will be reunited someday).
ReplyDeleteI was the one that found my grandfather when he passed away - to your point Sarge, the picture that most often leaps into my mind now is how he looked then, not how I remember him fishing and raking leaves and glowering.
Like Rob's wisdom, I am trying to embrace more of this thinking (thus, the trip to Greece). Literally we do not know how much time we have and "someday" is just as likely to become "never".
"Someday" always comes, we just might not be there. That being said, never waste time, if you've got nothing better to do, at least listen to the birds, feel the wind on your face, in other words, live!
DeleteGood thinkings, feelings, and posting. I want ... I don't know. I used to want "sky burial" but it was illegal, and I doubt that's changed. We've talked about it, a little. We should talk more. Thank you for reminding me.
ReplyDeleteThe hair on the back of my neck stood up when I read "sky burial." I picture Native American burial grounds and think of how sacred those grounds are. I think it's possible in some places for scientific purposes, I know it once was in a very specific study. But that was a while ago. But it's something to consider.
DeleteMy early childhood was along US 2, a series of towns on the edge of "The Rez", so it seems to me to be a very natural thing.
DeleteIt does. From what I know of Native American culture, it seems very dignified in some ways.
DeleteI've found even the best of morticians can't recreate the brilliance of the soul. That, and their efforts corrupt fond memories. Closed caskets may seem cruel to some, but to me, they're necessary.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on that, for those very reasons.
DeleteSomber stuff, but as mere mortals we all share the inevitable fate of our species. Deny it if we like, or fret daily for much of your life, or the life of others, it's a choice, but the end is always the same. Thank God for what He has allotted each of us, and make the most of it.
ReplyDeleteOthers may decide what to do with the remains, and their choices should not be second guessed. We can choose to participate in funereal rites or our, or other faiths as we choose, but most cherish the memories of the living being, not the remains afterwards.
Actual disposition of remains is another topic with many variations, and each to their own traditions or preferences. Timing varies from immediate to prolonged delays. It can be a whole body burial, or cremation until nothing is left but charred gravely, almost kitty litter type material. Some end up as skeletal remains, stacked neatly as a group or by part in a hidden or even visible ossuary. Regardless, the spirit is gone to (hoepfully) a better place.
Disposition of cremated remains has further variations. Some desire them to be scattered upon some favorite spot. Some prefer they be buried at sea, with suitable and traditional ceremony. Some prefer they be kept in a container on the mantle, or placed in a crypt or columbarium somewhere. A few martially oriented types have asked that their cremains be blown from a cannon upon a battlefield. (NPS frowns on such things, but they reportedly have happened despite prohibitions.)
The end is coming eventually, but hopefully not nigh.
Carpe diem.
John Blackshoe
Aye, carpe diem.
DeleteSarge, I'm with you. Open caskets invite memories of the deceased the last way you saw them. My in-laws are old now and I dread when their funerals come, as they both have planned for the "full experience" complete with open casket, calling hours, etc... I truly don't want that to be my last remembrance of them. I respect their wishes, and understand the convention and purpose of it all. For me - cremation, scatter me in the Atlantic Ocean from my beloved New England - and throw a party 6 months later to celebrate me and tell naughty stories.
ReplyDelete"... celebrate me and tell naughty stories ..." Now that sounds like just the thing.
DeleteSarge, we had a margarita machine at my father's funeral (as he liked making them for many years). Highly recommended.
DeleteI like that.
DeleteA lot ...
I attend funerals only to be there for the living. I didn't see my parents corpses, by choice. My son, in uniform, yes. That was for his widow and their children, my grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteWhile in High School, a friend was killed in a bad car wreck. His parents had an open casket service. Per the father's direction, no cosmetic work was done. We twenty or so high school tens walked by the open casket and saw Tad Brown's mangled face. Perhaps his parents decision saved lives down the road. 63 years later the image stays in my mind.
I would think that that would stick with you, forever. I get it, but no, just no.
DeleteYes, I go to wakes and sometimes funerals to show my support to the survivors, that is very important in my book.
I, too, don't like open casket funerals. Fortunately my memories are strong enough to overwrite seeing my dad in the casket, helped by wall-mounted photos of him at my wedding and at his desk at Kwaj.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I don't get that whole grave thingy. Really, as in the Jewish tradition, the person lives on in my memory, no need to have ground where they are to keep the memory alive. Which makes me a tad different than a lot of people.
As to grieving animals, my wife still grieves the passing of her two service dogs. The loss of her last was the driving force behind getting the current dog who, despite my best attempts and efforts, is definitely my dog. But he shares the love and watches over Mrs. Andrew so she doesn't get too weepy and depressed.
A companion animal is something everyone should experience, they love you and are there for you no matter what. That's what I really miss, just having that little furry friend who just wants to hang out.
DeleteI had someone ask me if I was going to go visit my father's grave when I was home last time, I said, "Why? He's not there." I get the memorial kinda thing but, yeah, what you said.
Sarge, I go by from time to time when I am home and visit Dad's grave. It is...odd. I talk to him a bit; oddly enough he can hear me (I suppose) just as well from anywhere.
DeleteIt's an odd feeling, visiting Dad's grave. My mind flashes back to a cold March day, snow on the ground, the brass hitting the ground as the firing party fired their volleys. An immense sadness always. Then I'll think of having a beer with him, tossing a baseball back and forth, the sadness lifts. Life goes on ...
DeleteNot a fan of the open casket either, they just don't look like they did, so I don't see the purpose. My wife can do what she wishes, but a closed casket for me he eliminates the need to try and squeeze me into an old uniform.
ReplyDeleteCopy your last, damned uniforms have shrunk since I retired.
DeleteI had a daughter with leukemia, she beat it back once, it came back a year later. In that year she gave having fun the same weight in her life as she did going to work and school.
ReplyDeleteIt came back and the chemo got her, it was fast. Her "I don't feel good" was followed by them wanting (asking me permission) to pull the plug just days later... unbelievable sad times.
She was almost 21... Life is short, do it now.
Amen. Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them, you might not get another chance.
DeleteRob,
DeleteI can't imagine the anguish. May the Lord wrap her in his arms and extend his peace upon you and your family. God bless you, my friend.
juvat
Amen!
Delete