No Humans Here, Go Away

(Original)

Well once again it's pet peeve time here at The Chant. Where I gripe about things I don't like. (And you can chime in with your "favorites" in the comments.) Today's topic covers those annoying automated phone systems that so many companies are using now. I was inspired to write this post by listening to a colleague trying to reactivate his corporate credit card the other day.

Back in the day it was fairly simple to get around the automated system by simply pressing zero when the machine begins its spiel. But the folks who program those systems defeated that dodge fairly early in the game.

Pressing "0" remains a viable option in many systems, but not until you've had to listen to the whole thing. Many, if not most, of which start like this:

Hello. You've reached [Some Organization Name].

Listen carefully because some of our options have recently changed...

Oh wait, I missed a step:

Press 1 to continue in English...

Presiona dos para español.

Can't forget that, can we? Are there more selections in cities with a high proportion of immigrants from non-Spanish speaking countries? I know that in Boston, in hospital reception areas, there are signs which indicate the many (over 20 as I recall) translators available to the discerning potential patient who may or may not speak English.

Did they have similar services in Korea when I was there?

No.

How about Germany, or the Netherlands?

No.

Most countries expect that if you are using the local services, then by all rights you should be able to speak the local lingo. Except here in the immigrant-friendly US of A. Because we're all immigrants here, right?

Wrong.

But yes, I digress.

These systems certainly free up a human from having to answer the phone. A good system is designed to allow the caller to get useful information without having to ask a human. For instance, perhaps you need to fax something to the company, many systems will give you the fax number, the email address, etc. of the company. No need to bug a human.

Of course, most people calling don't want the fax number, email address, or some other useful tidbit of information. No, they wish to speak to a human for one reason or another.

Now my doctor's office has one of these automated systems and I've gotten used to it, even if it is most annoying at times. And really, how many times does this happen -

Bubba: Oh my Lord, I have just cut my foot off with a chainsaw.

Cletus: Geez Bubba, you probably should see a doctor about that.

Bubba: You're right Cletus, let me call my doctor! Hand me that phone.

Hello, you have reached Little Rhody Medical Services, if this is a medical emergency, hang up and dial 911.

Bubba: Well heck yeah, I should just dial 911.

Seriously, that's the message I get when I call my doctor's office. Do people in this day and age not know to call 911 when they have an emergency? Hell, people call 911 when their pizza is late. I guess that common sense ain't all that common.

Now I want to address that whole "some of our options have recently changed" thing. Now 99 times out of a hundred they have not changed, they're the same options they've always had. But I swear, just last week my doctor's office actually changed one of their options. For the first time since they installed the system, an option had actually changed.

Are you like me, you know exactly what option you want so that when the recorded voice starts reading off the options, you go ahead and press "1 1 3 5," or something similar? Expecting to hear "Doctor Smith's office, can I have your name and date of birth?" Thinking (hoping) you've reached the appointments line. And instead you hear, "That is an invalid option, press 1 to go back to the beginning."

So you press "0," thinking that that will produce a human on the other end.

Nope.

That is an invalid response. Please hang up and try again.

Really? Try again?

And if you're calling on a cell phone and you're cheap (like me) and your minutes are precious and oh so few, you finally get to the correct option and hear -

All of our operators are busy right now, assisting other customers. Please stay on the line, your business is important to us.

Then the elevator music starts to play. Over, and over, and over, and...

Eventually you hang up, not wanting to waste those precious minutes. Thinking, "If my damn business was so damned important to you, you'd hire more people to answer the phones." (Nah, I never do that.)

On the other hand, have you ever been in a doctor's reception area and listened to their side of the conversation?

Receptionist: No ma'am, we don't have an appointment scheduled for you. Would you like to make one?

Caller: No, I know I have an appointment on Wednesday.

Receptionist: Wednesday this week?

Caller: Yes, I'm sure it's today.

Receptionist: No ma'am, I'm not showing anything in our appointment book.

Caller: I'm sure I had an appointment today with Doctor Green.

Receptionist: Uh, this is Doctor White's office. We have no Doctor Green here.

Caller: Well, let me talk to Doctor Green's receptionist...

No, really, I have heard that very conversation while waiting at the front desk. Folks get confused, call the wrong number, wade through the system, only to discover that they've got the wrong number.

If Skynet ever becomes a reality - once the computers become self-aware - there will be no launching of nuclear missiles to destroy the human race, no, every single phone call on Earth will go to an automated system. We will all die of starvation, or commit suicide, while trying to complete our calls, while listening to horrid elevator music.

(Source)

Or yeah, that could happen.