A Hectic New Year part 2

The Villages of Grants Pass Oregon

Part 2?  If you're wondering where part 1 is, you'll have to go back to the beginning of the year.  Feel free to read that one first, but long story short, we had to help my mother-in-law get home from Montana after New Years.  Please bear with me as I use Sarge's blog to vent a bit, release some stress, and provide something that might help you and yours some day.

Once again I had to fly north to be the trusted adult in the room whom my mother-in-law would listen to.  We had to break the news that due to her cognitive assessment in the hospital after falling and remaining on the floor for nearly 24 hours, she would not be allowed to go home.  Unfortunately she remained in the hospital for two more days after release was authorized as we worked to place her in assisted living.  She was angry with us, refusing to accept our direction, stating that she'll just stay in the hospital, but a case worker was helpful in explaining how this was the best and really only option.  She still argued with us claiming that she would be fine at home with home health, but that runs $30 an hour and the doctor said she needed 24-hour care. Medicare covers this type of service, or a assisted living facility, but only if you are practically destitute.  

In retrospect, we now understand that it was due to her dementia that her relationship with nearby family had soured to some extent and they weren't necessarily welcome in her home.  It was a niece who found her and saw how bad it had gotten there (trash had piled up, dogs hadn't been let out, etc.).  Her dementia was also the cause of her becoming quite good at telling us what we wanted to hear, but not actually doing anything to help herself.

Fortunately, as the widow of a military vet, who receives his social security, survivor benefit plan from his military retirement, and a dependents stipend from the VA, the monthly bill for the home we chose is within reach.  We thought there was at least a little money in her accounts from her husband's stake in the family garbage business.   However, due to misplaced generosity towards those in need, and probably that dementia, she had spent almost everything. 

While I was there she did allow me to get on her bank account, and granted me full power of attorney.  This will help us recoup some bills that were overpaid and cancel any others that are no longer needed.

We will have to rent her home which she believes she will return to, in order to cover the difference. This is after selling her brand new never used travel trailer, a John Deere Gator ATV, and a horse trailer which is no longer needed following the passing of Dad's horse a couple years ago.  His truck will also go.  I'm also fighting my wife on this a little bit in that her mom doesn't want the truck or trailer sold, due to some emotional memory connecting her to her husband. However I spoke to all the siblings and stated that I will not allow any of them to risk their future by spending savings or retirement in order to make up for their mother's mistakes. They reluctantly agreed but it is a very emotional time.  

I know this is something that millions of others have had to go through, but I will give some hard lessons learned that maybe some of the younger Chanters will benefit from. 

Have the hard conversations early.  Discuss what she wants, and in certain situations, what she would accept. This would be various stages of dementia, whether she would like to stay in her home or if this was not feasible where would she wants to live.  Talk about finances and how care would be covered. Talk about when she would accept parting with valuable possessions in order to cover bills.  Do the math. Go visit homes and talk to the management.  Talk about the cost of care and the realities of selling or renting her home.

Put this in writing, but better yet record it, get it on camera so that if dementia starts to creep in, she will be reminded of promises that were made or desires that were laid out.   

If I had to do it over again, I would know that some of those relationship challenges are due to the dementia, and more frequent visits are required despite her desires.  

In a way, the fall was a much-needed catalyst to get her the help she needed.  My wife is still tiptoeing around her, allowing visits back to her home to visit her dogs, allowing her to believe that in 3 months she will be released, but only because we don't want her to grow embittered and attempt to rescind the power of attorney before we can take necessary steps.  We are fully aware of that once an official diagnosis of dementia is given, the power of attorney is null and void. Eventually, and this is something you should add to the lessons learned, guardianship should be discussed.  Otherwise, one will have to hire an attorney and go to court to declare her incompetent. 

On the bright side, she is thriving in the home, with much more of a social life, new friends, one of her dogs, and just more mental stimulation.  The VA will likely provide her with "Aid and Attendance" allowance which will help cover more, and might make up for the times when her home isn't rented.  Who knows, in a few months she may forget her desire to go home, realizing she likes it there.  She's also eating better, and getting more exercise due to the need to walk 50 yards to the dining room.  Her other dog will be rehomed, being only 10 months old, but that's a another challenging conversation.  I returned to San Diego last weekend but my wife is staying up there another week.  This isn't over, but we're definitely all in a better place than we were 10 months or even a week ago.  Anyway, talk to your parents, or more likely- have those hard conversations with your kids, write that will, set up that trust, and avoid what we are dealing with.