The next day I made a prime rib which my family devoured. I considered smoking it, but I hadn't tried it before and didn't want to potentially ruin our Christmas dinner, forcing us out for Chinese food. Fah ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra raaaaah (I hope you understand the "Christmas Story" reference). No? More
I took the rest of the week off and did absolutely nothing, up until the 28th. On that day my wife and I flew up to Kalispell Montana, where her sister lives. No, this wasn't a planned trip for New Years, nor was it some expensive desire to see snow. It was actually a rescue mission to retrieve my mother-in-law, and get her back down to Southern Oregon. As it turns out, her physical ailments: semi-crippling arthritis, two bad hips, some neuropathy, as well as some confusion, made everyone realize that we couldn't let her drive home alone. Her getting confused and lost for hours on the Flathead Reservation on the drive up was another reason.
However, it was more than that, including a house found in complete disarray by her son while going in to feed the cats and finding a notice on the door that her water has been shut off a few days before she left. Her siblings and I realized that she probably shouldn't be living alone.
My wife stayed to try and help set up some services so she can get some assistance and stay in the house. So over the next week or so we will be working on getting all her bills on auto payment plans, and either hiring a maid, and/or requesting adult senior services to help her. She has 2 other kids in the area so hopefully no more last minute trips will be required.¹
I think I was able to help my wife and MIL in a couple ways. First with of which was on the road. I did all, but about an hour of the driving, and in some challenging conditions at that. We experienced snowy and slushy roads through the curvy mountainous passes of Montana and Idaho, a long monotonous drive through Eastern Washington, many hours with the sun in our face through northern Oregon along the Columbia River, then thick fog all the way down from Portland. What should have been a 13 hour drive turned into 18 and 1/2 since my MIL needed to stop at least every couple hours, and each stop was lengthy, including two full service sit-down restaurant meals. I don't know about you, but when I road trip it is gas up, take a break, and get food, all in the same stop, and do it quickly! Hurry up everyone, we're on a schedule! Not for her though, and I understand that. I was planning on taking two days to take the trip, and that was the plan when we started out that morning, but she really wanted to get home in one day. So a 1:30 a.m. wake up when I couldn't sleep, a 6:30 a.m. departure, and a midnight 30 arrival made for an exhausting day.
I also helped in that I am not as emotionally hamstrung about taking away some of her independence. That could be a challenge, since she's stubborn, fiercely independent, and doesn't want to hear it from her kids. She semi-jokingly refers to me as her favorite son-in-law, as I was the first, she respects my military service (he retired in the late 80s), I'm older than all of her kids, and so she holds me in high regard, like she did her husband, who passed in 2012. So on the drive down, I was able to convince her to work on getting some help, just due to her physical ailments, avoiding any discussion for now about her faculties. That's a discussion which we can save for another time.
Hopefully she will accept more help from her children, (like the ones who live there) including the ability to schedule or participate in her medical appointments going forward. I don't envy my wife and in-law siblings as the future will be a trying one. If any of you have dealt with this, my hats off to you. Any advice is appreciated. I supposed I'm lucky? in that I didn't have to deal with this from my own parents. Cancer took my mom at 62, and my dad lived to 87- sharp as a tack.
Anyhoo, it's back to work for those of us not enjoying retirement. It should be an interesting year. An interesting project to help with those red guys in the far east, and some travel. For now I have planned work trips to Georgia Tech Research Institute near Atlanta, another final trip to India, and some others for fun- Boston during St. Patrick's Day, Hawaii with our soon-to-graduate nephew and his folks, and wherever else our wandering ways take us.
Here's to a wonderful New Year to everyone- Sarge, Juvat, Beans, JB, and Lush & Co., as well as all the Chanters.
Ouch! That's quite the unexpected Road Trip Tuna, does your MIL still have access to her vehicle keys? Becoming confused while driving is not a Good Thing. After his stroke my Dad still hit the road once to visit the grocery store and to see "how driving felt" even though his doctor said "No more driving!" Some habits die hard. As far as not living alone for your MIL, that means 24/7. Can someone be there all the time or can she move in with an offspring? Either will be huge changes for her.
ReplyDeleteYes to keys unfortunately. We convinced her no more long trips though, just around town, for now at least. Move in with someone? Been there, done that. She was living with her middle daughter and fam after selling her ranch and they bought a new place for them all (with lad for the horses she couldn't take care off), but she didn't like being in "their" house, which it wasn't. So she cashed out of everything and bought small house in town near the hospital my sister works at. She's done nothing regarding her bills or making that Dr. appointment so I will be taking a more proactive role, calling today to keep the pressure on.
DeleteBeen a busy day......... prayers out for her and yours Tuna.
DeleteGood luck with all of this...
ReplyDeleteLuck? More like miracles- she's so stubborn.
DeleteDang, a far too eventful holiday season, glad you made it through relatively sane. (I'm assuming that part. 😉)
ReplyDeletePrayers for you mother-in-law and all her support staff (related or paid). She's a good lady.
Thanks. Found out she has little money left- put it all in the house. She has no mortgage, but lives off Dad's SSI and SBP.
DeleteTuna - Empathy galore as we had to work through the same things with my parents (although not having the weather as an additional complicating factor). So wonderful for you to be able to contribute by driving (the ability to drive long distances safely is a gift). And being "separated" from the situation a bit can indeed give one a platform to speak that might not otherwise be available to those who care just as much but are much closer. You are a good son-in-law.
ReplyDeleteThe building in the picture of the Columba River, Vista House, was built as a rest stop on the old Columbia highway. The building itself (octagonal) is interesting architecture and the views are wonderful.
Thanks TB. I will continue to try, but we'll need to get her to authorize the help- limited POA, put our name on bills, etc. I'll get up to the PNW again, maybe this summer to see the gorge and falls.
DeleteBeautiful church!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful country up Kalispell way, but weather is a serious issue which cannot be ignored.
You've got your hands and plate full there. Your status as the "adult in the group" by virtue of age, and not being immediate family gives you power and influence the immediates lack, so you will probably end up with most of the heavy lifting.
Sounds like someone needs to be sure there are some important legal actions accomplished, like power of attorney, medical power of attorney, names added to checking accounts, etc. Might be time to limit access to credit cards or check writing lest she fall victim to various scams which prey on the elderly. Might look into getting her assets into some sort of trust, which would make eventual disposition a lot easier and less taxing. A will is needed, especially if there may be a lack of consensus among the kiddos.
As for driving, that is something that it may be best to let someone else be the "bad guy" to tell her it is time to retire from driving, for her safety as well as everyone else on the road. If there is a readily available "designated driver" to provide taxi service on call that may ease the sting of losing the keys.
Thoughts and prayer for you all as new realities emerge. Gettin' old ain't for sissies!
John Blackshoe
Thanks JB. It'll be tough since she's confident in her abilities, but doesn't follow through, thinking she doesn't need our help. I'll calmly encourage her, and if it comes down to it, get downright mean, claiming the state will put her in a home.
DeletePrayers going up for you and your family Tuna. Been on both sides of this particular situation...there is no great answer...the "patient" having enough money to be able to afford to pay for aide services--someone to be able to "help" that is NOT related, and IS reliable can be tough to find. Talk with her doctor--you can call and say this is what happened, and ask for the MD to "check her out"...sometimes the confusion is an easy to fix situation like getting a hidden urinary tract infection treated, or a low B12 level fixed which can seriously impact memory. Especially in someone who had been doing okay up til now, ie a sudden situation change. But if this has been a long slow slide, then it's time to move in and get Mom the help she needs. It's so VERY hard to give up the independence of being able to drive, to make your own financial decisions and it is always difficult to move in with someone else, no matter how old or young ya are. And having your kids have to take over things you were used to doing can bring up some old family feelings/fights. I never got along that well with my Mom, but when she got "cranky" with me, I used to tell her that she had paid for my nursing education, she should take advantage of her investment...of when she told me she didn't want me to cook things to bring over, that she wanted to do her own cooking, I agreed with her that I wished she could do that too, and then just walked out the door. Then I would call my sister (the one who was Mom's favorite, she loved all of us, but the middle gal was her buddy) and let her know what was going on and get her on my side.
ReplyDeleteSometimes all you can do is lead a horse to water, but ya can't make them drink. And there were more than a few times I would say, both to patients and my folks, that this was still America, ya had the right to make lousy decisions. And sometimes, you have to let them make bad decisions. Just tell your kids not to let you do the same when you get to that stage. Mom had told me to let her know when she was behaving like my grandfather (her dad) who gave a entire new definition to independent and stubborn. Probably what let him live until 95. Only told her that a couple of times--each time it did help some.
But it is very difficult to give up doing things yourself, to agree that ya can't do things anymore. Be sure that when going to the doctor's office, folks talk to HER and not to whatever adult goes with her, as long as she is able to answer for herself. Let her be as independent as possible, but to stay safe. Maybe getting a home care nursing evaluation would help. Is she falling? Some in-home physical therapy can help, plus they will discuss how to better arrange furniture/stuff to improve safety.
Plus, getting folks admitted to assisted living or nursing home is NOT as easy as most folks assume.
But, yeah, get the legal paperwork up-dated, will, Health Care Proxy, financial proxy, name of checking account, notice of power/water being shut off, etc.
And, like I said, lots of prayers for love, and patience, and understanding that it's HARD to face the ending of your life...especially if you are still pretty sharp mentally.
Suz
Thanks Suz. She's fighting us on every front.
DeleteAt least for now- wanting to do it herself.
DeleteBet she is fighting so hard because she is very scared of "getting old and being a burden". Mom used to tell me the problem with moving into the independent senior housing was the place was full of "old folks"...mind you, she was in her late 80's at the time and they moved cause Dad had a stroke and Mom wasn't able to run the house we all grew up in by herself, they moved voluntarily...
DeleteSometimes, frequently to be honest, it falls to the one family member she IS willing to talk with. Ask her why is she fighting you all so hard...what is she scared of, does she even see that there are concerns? Like water being turned off is a serious issue, etc...
Sounds like tag, you might be it.
Suz
Beautiful countryside. Trip from Hell. Too many friends have been in the same situation as you and yours. Sucks. Sucks totally.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, when my dad passed, my eldest brother bought the house and mom had a mother-in-law shack built on the property. So she's got EldBro, his wife and some of his kids to help her around.
Glad you had a good Christmas.
That was the plan, until it fell apart and she moved out, clearly not thinking clearly.
DeleteOh Tuna! My thoughts and prayers are with your wife and siblings. 🙏❤️🙏
ReplyDeleteThat's my Anonymous post above.
ReplyDeleteMary F
Thanks Mary.
DeleteDaaayamn! You've got a sitchyation on yer hands. My MIL has lived with us since 2013, when we still lived in San Diego, East Co, she's now 89. We rescued her from from a crippled, once wicked smart, narcissist. He was lazy and psychologically abusive. She's a relatively easy keeper, with good humor, mild confusion and passive aggressive issues towards her daughter. I'm her "favorite", I treat her like an independant adult while guiding various impulses. Of course getting a "room mate" after 37 years of marriage will put a little strain on a relationship, but we still like each other and make each other laugh everyday, so we've got it figured out. She voluntarily quit driving when she moved in with us, so THAT'S not an issue. I'm leaving lots out, but, compared to others issues, we have it pretty good.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, closer kids can handle the Mom, but if she doesn't respect the younger family, you may get drafted by necessity, comes down to who can handle the situation. Confidence and pride are tough issues to deal with. Good luck, you will have your work cut out.
Thanks Mike. We had a good conversation this evening with lots of promised action- putting me on the bills with her, setting up auto-pay, getting the doggie door (2 dogs she can't really walk), a Dr.'s appt to get a referral for home assist visits. I'll stay on her.
Deletetuna- That sounds like a real break thru, and that she is admitting she has some problems. You made real progress right there. Don't let ALL her problems become YOUR problems. She's got kiddos, and they need to share some of the load, even if nothing more than checking the homestead for frozen pipes, mail, etc, keeping walks shoveled and grass cut. And, let them know that if MIL runs short on funds, they will be paying for her needs, not you.
DeleteHome healthcare or assisted living can be VERY pricey, but very helpful- especially for social interactions other than with her "housemates". One of the best investments we ever made was getting a long term care policy back when I retired which will cover $$$$ for assisted living/home health care if/when we need it, on top of whatever S/S and Tricare for Life might cover (probably very little).
You showed FIL pic and he had a USN ball cap- if he was retired military (even if a age 60+ retired reservist with 20 years), MIL should be eligible for some benefits from that. However, IIRC most are geared to indigents so if you saved instead of blowing your income, you don't get it.
JB
Thanks. Yes, he's retired military and she has Tricare for Life and his Survivor Benefit plan/SSI. Tricare doesn't cover LTC, but will help with home health/assist visits. Even with the "breakthrough" the follow through is the hard part- she's not the best at doing what she said. Sibs will need to step up- fortunately no need for walk-shoveling in Southern Oregon.
Delete