Monday, July 26, 2021

Dear New Texan

 

Dear New Texan,

Howdy! Welcome to your new home.  We're glad you're here mostly. I thought I might provide a bit of information that will help you as you start learning the mores to get along with your new friends and neighbors.

I realize that many of you fled left your previous locale because of "reasons".  Maybe financial, maybe new job, maybe the state/local government went (to use a term used by a friend of mine) "Copulating Bonkers".  

All good reasons to have set out for a better place.  One of the first changes I'd advise is to avoid sentences that start with "When I lived in NewYawkafornia, we did xxx this way...".  The person on the receiving end of that, even if they don't verbalize it, is thinking "Then why didn't you stay there".  Alternately, and less charitable, the thought is "Go Back!".

We had a letter to the editor a while back, from an ex-NewYawkafornian decrying the deer carcasses lying by the side of the road.  It mentioned "Back in (Very large town in NewYawkafornia), we had City employees who's job was to pick them up and dispose of them." The letter went on for a few more paragraphs with more suggestions on how to improve things here.

The following week (it's a weekly paper), the Letters to the Editor page was very full of responses.  My personal favorite was "Mrs X, Here in Texas, the Lord has provided a solution to the problem of dead animals on the road.  They're called Birds of Prey and they're very good at getting rid of them.  If an animal is obstructing traffic, please call Law Enforcement, they will move it out of the roadway, where the clean up crew can enjoy a quiet meal in a safe location."

Mexican Caracara feasting on some tasty Road Kill. Got lots of them around here, beautiful birds in flight.
Source

One more lesson to glean from that letter. Don't include your actual name with it.  It's a small town, people know you.  It tends to be hard to live some things down.

Another area of "it's different here",  Driving.  Texas Department of Transportation used to have signs that read "Drive Friendly".  That's good advice.  Here's some tips on how to do so.

 I know you left NewYawkafornia because you spent at least 2 hours a day in traffic, and you haven't driven at the speed limit in years, if ever.  However, once you get out of Texas' 5 huge MSA's (Houston, San Antonio, Austin, DFW and El Paso), you'll find that people pretty much stay at the speed limit plus or minus about 5MPH.  If you're uncomfortable with that, stay in the MSA's, you'll feel right at home. Nutballs driving 90 weaving in and out of lanes.  Minutes later every brake light in front of you comes on at the same instant.  An hour later and one mile further down the road, you'll see the nutball's car either smashed to pieces along with several more, or, more charitably, pulled to the side with a car with flashing lights behind him.  Just like in your old home town.

(Please Lord, put me on that jury!)

But, if the sky is clear, the road is dry and traffic is moving smoothly, drive the speed limit (which from here out means the posted speed limit or the speed of traffic whichever is slower).  If you're not on an Interstate or otherwise controlled access freeway, you should still be driving at the speed limit   

Yes,  That means 70 on most of the Interstates in the Eastern Part of the state, 75 in the middle part and 80 out west.  Weather conditions, of course, modify that, as in "Slow the heck down". But if it's clear and a million and the road is dry...

If you're on a two lane highway and you look in your mirror and see a long line of cars behind you, glance at your speedometer, if it doesn't at least match the speed limit, you're not driving friendly.  Two things you can do to remedy that.  First, accelerate to the speed limit.  Second, Texas Highways usually have a large shoulder.  Look up ahead and if the shoulder is clear, pull over and drive on that.  Let the folks behind pass, then pull back on and go about your merry way.  If the passer's by are True Texans, they'll wave or hit their flashers a couple of times as a way of saying thank you.

If, however,  you're one of those people who's greatest thrill in life was being "Line Leader" in 3rd grade and get your jollies by making people do what you want them to do....Well, suffice it to say, you're not being Texan if you drive 50 or so on a two lane highway in no-passing zones, then somehow find yourself doing 80 in a passing zone, then 50 again because "it's no passing, it must be dangerous, and anyhow I AM the line leader!".  Line Leader or not, the people behind you are saying some pretty nasty things about you and your parents. And when they do pass, they are quite likely to wave at you, albeit with only one finger showing.

Virtually every Texas Highway has a particular sign on it.  Apparently the version of English used on it is different than in NewYawkafornia because it is frequently misunderstood. That sign looks like this.


That sign means "Left lane for passing only." The "Even You" part was left off to save money and because normal people can read and understand. But, for clarity, unless the vehicles to your front right have apparent motion towards your back right, you should not be in the left lane.  If you are, and they are moving in the opposite direction, from back right to front right, you might just get that single fingered wave I talked about earlier.  If this happens repeatedly and in rapid succession, the odds of the latter happening go up significantly.

I don't know where this is, but I love it.
Source

Oh, one last thing, put your copulating cell phone away.  You are not fooling anyone by having it in your lap and texting from it.  There are a couple of "tells". First is your head.  It bobs up and down like one of those toy ducks. 

Source
Second, and most disturbing, you're weaving across lanes of traffic.  Just say No!

I lied, one more "Last Thing", get Texas plates! You're a resident of Texas now, no longer a NewYawkafornian, and your expired NewYawkafornia plates don't impress anyone, including the friendly officer behind you with his lights flashing. 

A few, minor and easy, behavioral changes will make your transition much more pleasant.

Once again, welcome to Texas, Howdy! And...

Peace out, Y'all!

68 comments:

  1. FYI, “Florida” can be substituted for "Texas”.

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    1. Yeah, I expect there could be a few that can substitute. Should be 50 though.

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    2. Oh, most definitely, but South New York (otherwise known as the non-Cuban portion of Mijami, and Dade and Broward Counties) has already won significant victories since the late 70's. Thus the hanging Chad and all the other voting improprieties due to Broward County are caused by New Horkers and New Joysieites. Like Debbie Wasssername Schultz. A New Horker from New Hork City.

      Like Florida Man, who is 99.996% going to be some other state's (usually New Hork or New Joysie, but randomly some other democratic hellhot) Copulate Up. Who did the same thing from whence they came, and got the revolving door of democratic criminal injustice, and now comes down to Flo-hi-da and finds out that we don't play those revolving door games (as much, see statement about the New Horkers and New Joysieites copulating up our pretty state with their filthy party politics.)

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    3. Pretty much the same in all 5 MSA's here, Austin revels in its socialist lean, Houston tries to cover it up, but it's there. San Antonio has been that way for years. Haven't been to DFW and El Paso in quite a while, so can't offer an opinion.

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  2. Good advice, and the reason I take more time, stay on the backroads, and enjoy the fact I've never seen grid-lock on a Texas backroad. I've seen a few of those that don't know Texas driving etiquette during my travels, and feel sorry for them for having to follow me at the speed limit, but quit driving on the shoulder, after one of our hurricanes. The nails were in abundance, and the flats expensive.

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    1. One does need to be careful on the shoulder, especially after a weather event, but around my area anyway TXDOT does a pretty good job of keeping them clean-ish.

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    2. (Don McCollor)...I used to travel 200 miles between GF ND and my home town west of Alex MN and back every few weeks. Discovered the joy of back roads (County and State two lane highways at 55/60 mph). Set the cruise control(weather conditions permitting) at the speed limit, relax and enjoy the scenery. Heavy traffic was more than two cars in sight (and an occasional piece of very large plodding farm machinery). No rush, and just have patience. It's going to be about four hours no matter what, and with no fixed time to arrive at. Much more relaxing than the Interstate...

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    3. You and I are much alike in that respect, Don. There is a back way to my house from town, two lane Ranch Road, it's about twice as far to drive and takes about 30 minutes vs the 10 or so on the highway. But...and like mine, it's a big one. Very little traffic on it. Unfortunately, TxDOT is repairing a one of the lanes as it crosses a bridge. They've set up a traffic light out in the middle of nowhere. It goes red for 5 minutes, then turns green for 5, it's about a half mile between the lights. Let me see if I can calculate that? Shoes are off now. Cipherin' I'm thinking 6 MPH. Nobody not even the biggest tractor drives 6 miles per hour.
      Bureaucracy at it's finest. However, you're right, even with that stupidity, my BP is lower on arrival than the quicker way

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  3. Hold the line juvat, this country needs one bastion of red in it.

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    1. How much at the local museum of WAR!!!! is still useable? Hmmm....

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    2. Well...There's a Japanese minisub (but there's a hole cut in the side so you can see inside). There's a F-4F Wildcat that was pulled from Lake Michigan. There's an Australian Light Tank with a hole in the turret from a anti-tank round (and a video of the tank commander telling the story, just try to watch that and not reach for a handkerchief). There's a really well repaired Japanese seaplane. There's a PT boat, in dry dock.
      All it takes is money.

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  4. Remove those stickers from your car. Nobody cares about your feeeeeeeeeeeelings!

    Gridlock and slowing down is permissible if the Union Pacific's Big Boy #4014 is steaming along next to the highway. As it will be doing that next month. Oddly, my wife doesn't think that's enough reason just by itself to move to Texas.

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    1. I haven't heard about this? Is there a link somewhere?

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    2. Ah, stickers on cars. How can you tell who has a car? Leftists have stickers all over the car telling you exactly what they think. Conservative cars have resale value

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    3. Slight quibble with the Leftist sentence. Believe it should read "Leftists have stickers all over the car telling you exactly what YOU should think." THAT is my problem with liberals.

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    4. juvat. https://www.up.com/heritage/steam/schedule/index.htm

      We stood next to a Big Boy in Steamtown National Historic Site located in Scranton, PA.
      Big doesn't do it justice.
      https://www.nps.gov/stea/index.htm

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    5. Thanks John, Guess I'm going to spend the Weekend of Aug 15 with MBD in College Station.

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    6. juvat. That will be freaking awesome!

      I heard about it when True Blue Sam posted a very nice video of UP # 4014.
      https://truebluesam.blogspot.com/2021/07/weekend-steam-big-boy-on-tour-in-august.html







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    7. Well, it gives me something to post about. I just had time today to glance at those sites. Do they have or is there elsewhere expected times at each of the stops?

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    8. juvat. Lower down on the link they give a fairly detailed listing of the location addresses, and the expected stay times.
      On the right of the page there's a link to a detailed tracking map.
      https://www.up.com/forms/steam-trace.cfm
      When I zoom in to see the College Station dot and click on it, an insert pops up with this information.

      Scheduled Stop
      Lat/Lon: 30.37833/-96.08531
      Location: Navasota, TX
      Address: Lee Street Crossing

      If I'm reading the schedule correctly, 4014 will be at,
      Navasota, Texas on Monday August 16th.
      Lee Street Crossing
      Arrival 10:40 a.m. CT
      Depart 11:25 a.m. CT

      "Schedules subject to change, blah, blah, blah."



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  5. The reason those traffic signs do not work is that they are written in English, which the NewYorkifornians cannot understand. If they were in Ebonics or Spanish, well...

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    1. Good point, however, the last thing we need is to accommodate every language spoken here any more than we already do.

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  6. Ah yes, they foul their own nests then move someplace else. Where they rinse and repeat. It's almost as if they don't understand cause and effect...

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    1. Perhaps a slap upside the head every once in a while?

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    2. It's not as if they don't understand. They are the Borg, they will assimilate everything in an attempt to do it 'correctly this time.'

      Like locusts, destroying all before them.

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    3. It can't be done correctly, human beings are bred with an instinct for self-preservation and protection of family. Socialism in all its flavors hands those responsibilities over to others. The others still have their self-preservation in mind, so....It will always fail.

      Now....Trying to explain that to them in a manner that will be understood...Well, let's just say Sisyphus has a better chance of success.

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  7. To clarify - if you are in the left lane, and there is a car immediately to your right such that there is no relative motion between your two cars, then either speed up enough to pass that car and move into the right lane or slow down enough to pull over behind that car. The latter strategy is useful if you can't abide going slightly over the speed limit to pass. But in either case, camping in the left lane with cars lined up behind you even when going the speed limit is called obstructing traffic and is an offense. The sign above, "Left lane for passing only" did not inadvertently leave off "unless you are driving at the speed limit"...
    During my Yankee bride's first trip to Texas back in the late 70's, we were driving along an FM Road when the car in front of us pulled over on the shoulder to let us pass, and the occupants smiled and waved as we went by. She was at first concerned, thinking something was wrong with their car. Then she didn't believe anyone would be driving so 'friendly'. I assured her it was pretty common for that behavior to occur, as was simply raising your hand in greeting to cars coming the other way on rural roads.
    And isn't it amazing how transplants don't seem to realize that there are reasons why their new home was different in a better way and they should adopt local customs to maintain that beneficial difference and not make it like the place they had had enough of.... we get a LOT of that here in NC as well... sigh.

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    1. Good clarification, I experience that frequently because all but one highway into town is primarily two lane with one passing zone. It's particularly infuriating, to be driving along behind someone at 55 in a 70, then get to the passing zone, have to pull into the right lane because they're still in the left, accelerate and find that I'm still not gaining on them. Loook down and I'm doing 80 but not passing. End of passing zone coming up, so I slow down. And soon find that we're back at 55. Interestingly, when we get to town and the road moves to 4 lanes but the speed limit is 55, they seem to accelerate to 60 or so. Fortunately, there's a light about a mile further. That's when the single finger wave comes into play.

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    2. Ah, they just love being told that they're #1, don't they?

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    3. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm telling them. Number One on the Rectal Orifice list.

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  8. Be on the alert. You are being invaded by folks fleeing Moscow on the Pacific who are fully intent on Californicating the whole state.

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    1. Yeah, I'd be ok if they migrated to Moscow on the Colorado and stayed there. I've long thought we should build a high wall around the town and allow no entry or exit as a temporary solution until the river completely fills up the large swimming pool.

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    2. Dave, they are far outnumbered by the fed up conservatives who can't stand it anymore though. I know a dozen in my circle of friends, mostly Navy and/or Catholics who have moved or are actively house hunting. One just toured Fredericksburg as a matter of fact. Another is already in Tyler.

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    3. Much like my friend I met on July 4 I'd say. And they are welcome but as THBB says below, get accustomed to the new ecosystem before trying to change it. If your friend decides on the 'Burg, give him my info, we'll help get him situated.

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    4. Will do. I told him about your beautiful church, not sure he was there on a Sunday.

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  9. Texas highways are some of the best I've ever driven on. Texas drivers, in Texas, among the easiest to share the road with. Outside of Texas? Winter in the Rockies brings the urge to ban all Texans (exception - oldfield workers). Even your Louisiana neighbors are better. Summer? Tourists, especially those packs of motorcycle riders.

    While not exclusively Texas' fault, at 1,791 miles, U.S. Route 287 is a challenge. Oklahoma should be mentioned as they don't seem to care about their 46 miles. As the shortest route from Denver to Dallas, the mix of brain fogged tourists, aggressive truckers, and hopped up college students seeking their excellent ski vacation keep the SE Colorado emergency services and insurance adjusters at full employment.

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    1. I've driven that route a few times although not recently. First memory of it was driving with my Dad in a 56 Ford Sedan that had been my grandparents who lived in Denver. The passenger side floorboard had been rotted through by the salt on the roads. This would have been mid '60s. I distinctly remember going over the Raton pass (two lane highway then) with it floorboarded and going a whopping 45 MPH. Dad spent a lot of time on the shoulder which is where I learned the trick.
      I do notice that the incidents I have described in the post do seem to decrease in number during the winter. Cause and Effect? ;-)

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  10. When we finally escaped Houston, my unique skill set of driving there wasn't appreciated in central Texas. In Houston, it's 10 over and bumper to bumper. You have to keep your eyes on the car about 5 ahead if you want to avoid a multiple. One blink and move over is typical too. More like formula 1 with a passel of room temp IQ drivers.

    Moving to Rooster Poot (our town is named after it's size), normal Houston driving was seen as aggressive. So, I started rolling the window down when the speed limits started to slow. Driving through town with the pneumonia hole open helped me relax and slow down. The snow storm of old paperwork in the cab was a bit disconcerting, but I learned how to pile heavy on top of light.

    Oh, and being polite by moving to the shoulder? It isn't supposed to be done, but it is winked at by the DPS. Just don't do it over in Louisiana. The troopers over there aren't very happy about being polite. At least the one that pulled me over for that let me off with an accented warning, and a good restaurant recommendation.

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    1. Not much of a shoulder on the Atchafalaya Bridge, though is there. Just got to suck it up and wait it out. Accidents there tend to screw traffic up for quite a while.
      Good description of driving through Houston. Austin isn't any better, haven't been to the other 3 MSA's in quite a while, but I'm pretty sure it's virtually identical.

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    2. In Florida, the Florida State Troopers have their humor removed before the screw threads are installed on their heads. (They are noted for being able to wear their trooper hats in tropical storm winds...)(and they have no sense of humor, none, none at all, dour lot they are, but considering some of the accidents (caused by out of staters usually from New Hork, New Joisey or Oh! Canada!) well, I can see where not having a sense of humor could be a good thing.)

      Subtle hint. You best pray you is pulled over by the local sheriff, even the bubba sheriff playing banjo music. You'll have a much nicer day than having a Supa Trupa pull you over.

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    3. Yeah, we just had a head on 2 fatality crash on the road we take into town Saturday. A guy driving the truck swerved into oncoming traffic and hit a car with 6 family members in it. Mom in the passenger seat was killed on impact, Dad driving is in intensive care, the two boys have broken arms and the two girls in the back both have broken legs. The guy driving the truck was also killed. It will be interesting to see what the investigation reveals.

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  11. I have to wonder if the new people are refugees leaving or invaders who left because they had dirtied their old nest and it was easier to go somewhere new rather than clean up the mess they made?
    The answer is probably between those two examples....

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    1. I suspect the answer is some of both examples, Rob. Fortunately, most that arrive in my little burg seem to be the former and the ones I've seen in the MSA's the latter. Small sample sizes though, so I'd hate to make decisions based on that data.

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  12. Ah, passing lane highways. In Florida, we have US 40. Which goes throughout the state in a weird squiggly mess, but from Ocala to Ormond Beach is a pretty straight line, ishly. So you get some real dipsy-do hills from ancient dunes and small dying or dead villages. During the winter you get idiots who think the speed limit is expressed in Kilometers (no, no it is not) who when reaching the passing areas suddenly speed up to percentages of light-speed, just as you describe. Real Floridians will do this game, one will get ahead really fast (high percentage of light speed) and get in front of the offender and slow them down while everyone else jumps forward. Amazing to see the tag-team ability of the average Floridian to out-fox or out-box the offending drivers who are usually in boat-cars, RVs or in boat-cars towing trailers or boats.

    Summer is just as bad, as idjits pulling boats (yes, even Floridian idjits) will do the same thing. But are much more surly at being boxed in.

    Then there's Biketober or some other Bikesomething event, where you'll have big RVs pulling trailers loaded with bikes with the drivers acting like they're still driving bikes. Actual motorcycle drivers riding motorcycles tend to be cool-as-copulation, but the support drivers or the 'trailer the bike to the event and then act cool like you've just riden the bike the whole distance' people tend to be arse-harts (remove the 'r' to seee the seeecreeet meeeessage...)

    Another thing for those invading our fair states: When the realtor says the price is XXX,XXX.XX, don't increase the asking price by 50%. Instead, try this thing called... Haggling... and see if you can talk the realtor down by XX,XXX.XX amount. Because the price you pay is what screws everyone, including yourself, in property taxes.

    Also, don't care what all the flavors of the rainbow you may be. Be nice to our little old church ladies, because they kicked our asses, and now that they're old, we'll kick your ass to save you the embarrassment of getting your ass kicked by a little old church lady. And, subtle hint, we'uns in Texas and Florida can carry guns (if'n we's allowed) and will, instead of kicking your ass, shoot your ass if merited. And the local po-po will call the ass-kicking or the ass-shooting a fair deal of self-defense (which in Florida and Texas means defense of oneself or others) and all will be good.

    Another subtle not-hint. In Texas and Florida, the most feared Law Enforcement Official is the Wildlife cop, because those guys can go everywhere. No worries about crossing jurisdictional lines, because the state is the jurisdiction. And they are nice people who quickly become even more humorless than the state trooper...

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    1. Pretty much the same here Beans. Although I suspect the boats are bigger there, your "water" is bigger than ours.

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    2. I have respect for game wardens. They are almost always dealing with armed citizens. I don't ever hear about shootings down here from those interactions. Wonder why that is??

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    3. Back in the day when Little J was in Scouts, the leader was our local Game Warden. We camped in some pretty spectacular locations and his stories were better than mine. He's now the county Sheriff, talked to him a while back. He said it was an easier job having less area to cover.

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  13. Dear New People:

    There is a culture, practice and society in your new home. Quite likely, it is different than your old home. Just as you would not release your pet alligator into a stream because it will disturb the current ecosystem (well, technically it will eat the current ecosystem and even you, given long enough), perhaps you could contain your enthusiasm for disturbing our ecosystem until you see how it works for a while.

    Thanks! - The Management

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    1. Nice Succinct way to say basically what I did. Well done...But Sarge pays by the word, so.....

      :-)

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    2. You might want to renegotiate that contract come annual review time...Although to be fair, your essay is far more fun to read than a "Dear Occupant" letter...

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  14. Its possible & likely my post will be deleted however I will personally benefit from expressing my opinion & observations.
    I have routinely visited Chant du Depart for several years and for the most part enjoyed reading the generally interesting, insightful and at times curious articles & comments. I must admit were it not for Sarges outstanding historical fiction novelettes I would not be interested & compelled to visit Chant du Depart regularly. Which brings me to point I need to make. I get he who owns the store runs the store. What I don't get is the tolerance for hateful and divisive and at times extremist comments. Anyway, Well Done to those who work so hard to produce & present to us for our enjoyment Chant du Depart on a daily bases and a special shout out to Sarge on his recent loss of a loved and valued member of his family.

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    1. Why would your post be deleted?

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    2. Frank, you stated your opinion, I have no problem with that. Do I think we get the occasional "hateful and divisive and at times extremist comments"? Well, that too is a matter of opinion. Yes, sometimes the commenters get carried away, yes, that sometimes makes my blood pressure go up. But hey, it's a free country. I would only delete a comment I find offensive. Which means using certain words or espousing certain beliefs which have no place in our society. At least what I think should have no place. YMMV. Will a comment get deleted because I disagree with it.

      Nope. It's gotta cross a line which people of good will should recognize. Are some of the comments (even today) tiresome? Well, yes, yes they are. Will I delete them? No, in my book things are still within the limits I feel we try to maintain here.

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  15. Because it challenges some of the hateful/spiteful politically charged rhetoric of potential sacred cows.

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    1. It happens.

      Challenge is good if it makes you think.

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  16. @Beans/

    "...conservative cars have resale value..." LOL!

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  17. @Franklin Souze/

    Kind sir, this is my first encounter with you, but the nature of your comments lead me to ask of you: What sort of "snowflake" are you? The only "politically charged rhetoric" I've EVER observed here has been of the mildest sort compared to that of most "civilian" sites that enggage in political warfare, and I must say such umbrage as has been raised here re: political matters has, in my experience, been of the mildest and most civil as is the case with most military oriented blogs. In what alternate universe, pray tell, do you inhabit?

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    1. Virgil, be nice. I didn't sense "snowflake" here. A point was made, this post wasn't to his taste. It happens.

      There are many alternate universes.

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  18. Right outta the park, juvat!

    And I, too, have rediscovered the joys of taking the less used County roads.

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  19. And don't vote in the same kinds of asshats that caused you to move the F out of Newyorkafornia to Texas. Just a Jersey suggestion.

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    1. Agreed. Unfortunately it's probably what some of them are paid to do.

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  20. Thanks juvat! A lot of these furiners need to understand that Texas is Texas and Texas does not need to be NewYawkafornicated. When you come to Texas become a Texan; that includes your world view. Once you have been here a little while, you may don the the uniform of a Texan on special occasions - Cowboy Hat, Pearl Button Snap shirt, blue jeans (Wrangler preferred), a nice leather belt and some form of cowboy boats to include goat-ropers -- even if you don't own cattle. I can't claim to be a native born Texan but I got here the first time when I was 2 months old and have claimed Texas as my home for over 50 years.

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    1. Not boats but boots. However some boots are boats.

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Just be polite... that's all I ask. (For Buck)
Can't be nice, go somewhere else...

NOTE: Comments on posts over 5 days old go into moderation, automatically.