Major Bland

 So... Well... We've all become way too familiar with our current crop of very political and very loose-lipped officers that keep popping up in the eneMedia, even going so far as to write political books while active duty.

This... This isn't how officers are supposed to act.  Not at all.  They are supposed to be outside of the political spectrum as far as we know (stop it... stop sniggering... this is way things are supposed to be, not are.)

I mean, we all remember (if you're old like OAFS or juvat) or know about how political tiffs have ruined officers' lives, like good old Shogun Doug MacArthur spouting off and getting furloughed by President Truman.  

So what, pray tell, you are asking, does this have to do with anything, Beans?

I'll tell ya.  Simple.  My dad.

I mean, I knew what political bent my mom has always leaned towards, though it was somewhat hidden while dad was serving.  But dad?  

Bland.  He was always bland.  Bland about things that matter, bland about the serious things and all the really important things that happened in his career.

Politics?  With dad, even after retiring, just didn't know.  Nothing.  When questioned, blandness occurred.

I mean, this is what we are supposed to expect from our officers while serving.  "Hey, Officer Dude, what's your feeling about XYZ?"  "I have pledged to protect and defend the United States and the Constitution...."  Right?  That's the answer, no matter if the officer is a leftist or conservative or libertarian or whatever.

Dad? The worst I ever heard was him grumbling about the idiot in the White House (circa 1977-79.) And when questioned as to what he was grumbling about, blandness ensued.

When watching "The Andromeda Strain" he mumbled, when they first go into the complex, "At least they got that right."  When questioned about the supposed Wildfire (laboratory with nuclear bomb to flash fry anything inside) installation after he mumbled the above mumble, blandness ensued.  Which has bugged me since.  When did my dad go into a top secret lab and why was he there?  And, of course, the answer is always "Nunya."  I have assumed my father's blandness and can bland myself when I ask unbland questions about things that I don't need to know about.

Like, well, when talking to Dad after he retired about what he did every three months when he went for a week-long trip to Eniwetak.  "Hey, dad, what did you do there?" "Not much, just stood on the concrete and took some measurements."  Bland answer said in a bland way.  Blandness ensued.

Let's break that down.  Dad was the Air Force Liaison Officer at Kwajalein from June 1970 to June 1973, as a consolation prize for not going to the 5-sided puzzle palace known as the Pentagon, or Mordor on the Potomac if you ask juvat.  So he was responsible for all Air Force activities at the Army base responsible for being the catcher's mitt for stuff launched from Vandenberg AFB and several anti-ballistic missile programs launching from the atoll (at Meck Island.)  And various other Air Force concerns in the surrounding area, like, well, Eniwetak Atoll.  You know, Eniwetak?  Where we blew a hole buncha stuff up with nukes?

Yeah, THAT Eniwetak.  Where, after blowing the living snot out of a bunch of stuff, the military eventually collected as much of the radioactive remains and buried them under a huge concrete dome.

Not my dad.

Photo from the New York Slimes 

(https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/04/opinion/a-pacific-isle-radioactive-and-forgotten.html

or this one...

Dad stood on the big white spot.  He also boated over the big blue spot.

http://imgday.com/2012/10/two-atomic-bomb-craters-one-covered-with-a-concrete-dome-enewetak-atoll-marshall-islands/

Concrete.  Remember the statement my dad made?  Every 3 months he stood on the concrete and took some measurements.  HE FRIGGIN STOOD ON A NUCLEAR SARCOPHAGUS AND TOOK RADIATION MEASUREMENTS!  (Which, come to think of it, actually meant he stood with other people and supervised, but since he was a good officer and had an engineering background, him saying he took measurements probably meant he actually took the measurements.)  

How bland can you get when talking about standing on a nuclear waste dump and taking reading and doing science stuff!  Total blandness.

Other blandness from Kwaj.  "Perry Cubmarines are kind of cramped."  That would be mini subs used to locate and collect re-entry vehicles launched from Vandenberg, in other words, non-functional MIRV warheads.  Such a bland statement regarding such a weird thing to be doing.

Yeah, one of these.  Kind of cramped...

http://flickr.com/photos/zaruka/7358025864

Or when, while at Vandenberg from, what, 1965 to 1970, he went on TDY to some desert location.  And when questioned, it was always something like "I was working on a project near White Sands."

I grew up thinking White Sands was just a regular military base.  Not, you know, White Freaking Sands where they did all sorts of secret squirrel missile stuffs and other weirdness.  And, of course, 'near.'  Gee, Beans, what's 'near' White Sands?  Could it be some secret squirrel place now known as Groom Lake or other names?

"I was working in the desert."  Total blandness.  

And then there was the stuff he was working with/on Range Tracking and Instrumentation Ships in the Miami area during the post-Cuban Revolution times.  "Well, the various Cuban gangs were a little frisky."  Kind of a bland statement about leaving a certain Cuban owned eatery and the place blows up while he's walking away (from someone else who was there with him who wasn't so... bland.) 

Then, well, what's a RTIS doing near Cuba during the time period around Cuba when we weren't launching Mercury capsules?  Hmmm???  Bland...

Or what it was like to sit pad alert in Korea in the mighty F-84G?  "Well, it was hot or cold depending on the weather."  Bland comment there.  For a plane that was capable of carrying a nuke and his squadron practiced nuclear bomb tossing regularly.  So was he sitting pad alert with a nuke under his posterior or just worrying about the Norks or the ChiComs getting stroppy?  Even after he retired, he would talk about the squadron monkey and the mud and dust and snow, but not anything much about the tension or the pressure put upon the air crews post-armistice.

Why did my dad get Apollo coins and a really neat plaque?  "Hey, dad, what did you do for the Apollo program?" "I did some project management."  See what I mean?  BLAND!

His only comment about dealing with Top Secret (and above) material was "If you are responsible for destruction of secret documents, make sure they are completely destroyed."  Which, later, turns out he was involved in a potential court martial case regarding some officer who didn't manage to make sure documents were completely destroyed (apparently, a piece of paper with the page and document number were clearly legible on it was discovered lodged in a fence near the burn pit.)  So, well, he cautioned me to make sure destructions were complete. Got more of the story from, yep, another less-bland acquaintance of my father, the involved officer himself.)

I am so proud of my bland dad.  For being bland. The epitome of blandness. I am sure if he was still alive he'd still be bland. Uber-bland.  So damned bland.

May we have more bland officers doing (bland) things.

And here's to you all out there who have done (bland) things and said (bland) stuff about the (bland) things you have done.