Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Sunrise in San Diego



My Catholic upbringing can't help but make me feel a little guilty when Sarge calls out my long absences here at the Chant.   The other day he wrote
"Now Tuna's postings are rather sporadic. But it's okay, he's in for the long haul, he posts when he can, and it's always worth waiting for. "  
I had to laugh at that one.  He's very kind to let me pontificate here, patient due to my periodicity, and a generous liar- always worth waiting for?  Maybe.  Yes, the spambots love me!  

I was once very regular here, no bowel jokes, please- with almost weekly albeit trivial posts, but life just got too busy.  I stepped away a few years back due to the demands of work, parenthood, and leadership in the KofC.  And while I'm still doing all that, the workload on a couple fronts is more manageable now.  However, finding time or the energy to write is rare.




Energy.  I never seem to have it in excess, that's for sure.  Neither physical nor mental energy.  Some of that stems from my work life, which is never bad, but it has been a little more hectic this past year, as has been my family life- more on that later.  My boss is counting down the days until retirement, to include an actual counter on his desk, and he's been adding to my workload.  He's trying to groom me for his job (Deputy Department Head) when he retires, but we often do the same thing, so that just means I'm doing more work.  I push back when needed, and he's ok with that, but I know they'll hire some retired O-6 for the job when the time does come.  We call it the O-6 protectorate society.  I've also been traveling quite a bit- with DC, Panama City, Norfolk, and Gulfport Mississippi out the airplane window all in the last three months.  This is also due to my boss, who has decided he's not traveling anymore.  I'm not at all happy with that development.   That last trip just ended this past Thursday, so I was gone for 4 days of The Artist being home for her 8 day spring break from college.    

Pinterest
No NYC was not on on any of my itineraries, but it's where my daughter's layover was on her way back to Savannah and it's on my wife's short list for a vacation spot.  That's somewhat of a stretch to make it relevant to this post, but I thought it was a cool picture to use here.

I think this is Lake Michigan and that I actually took this photo.

It was at the end of this post back in December that I first used my daughter's new moniker.  The title that day was  "Things are looking up" which really had a dual meaning, but I didn't elaborate.  I followed that on New Years day alluding to some health issues my family had been experiencing.  In retrospect, we'd been dealing with the same issues for about 10 years but it came to an alarming climax just after Thanksgiving.  My adult son, who is on the Autism spectrum and has low cognitive abilities, got a little a lot out of control, and overly aggressive and physical, mainly with my wife who was trying to calm him down.  There was more to it, but there was no real harm done.  However, we had to admit him to the behavioral health unit at a local hospital.  It was was pretty traumatic for all of us, but especially for my wife.  He was there for four days for observation and to get his medication under control.  He'd always had a short fuse, even more so since puberty, but it's often because he doesn't have the ability to communicate effectively, and gets frustrated easily, especially with us.  It's really hard to parent a kid with Autism on the best of days, but once he got big, strong, and even more stubborn, the household was frequently very chaotic.

At this point, the pictures are just something nice to look at.
While that was tough to deal with, it turns out it was somewhat of a blessing.  The hospital we took him to, Mercy Hospital, is where his grandmother trained to be a nurse.  I can't help but think that he was being looked after while he was there.  Just like any 22 year old living under mom and dad's roof, and under our thumb and our rules, he wasn't exactly happy.  He knows he's an adult and was tired of having us tell him what to do, even if it was needed and for his own health and welfare.  He was very remorseful after that incident and once his meds were correct and stabilized, he was more compliant, introspective, and he dropped his reluctance to living in a group home.  Things were definitely looking up.


We were very surprised after touring the very next home when he said "I think I'll like living here."  We moved him in in late January and he hasn't looked back.  The owner is a retired Navy guy and his wife runs the place.  There are four other special needs residents and three rotating staff members, all of which are really great with him. 


Since moving in, his attitude is vastly improved, he's remained calm, and he's actually happy to see us when we visit.  Him moving there has really been a huge weight lifted off our shoulders, no longer needing to expend all that mental and physical energy trying to care for him.  As it turns out, we were sort of stifling his development and his growing more independent.  What we were teaching him was important, but at that point, as his parents, we couldn't get through to him anymore.  He only saw us as his parents picking on him, but the staff members have had more success in areas where we had reached a plateau.  He's now pleasant to be around, more appreciative of us, and when the visits are over, he asks us to take him home. 


So while The Artist is away at school, we have an "Empty Nest."  The house is far more quiet, much less turbulent, and everyone is happier.  We've started indulging our "foodie" sides by visiting restaurants that we just wouldn't when he was living here, due to both having eclectic menus that wouldn't appeal to him, or we never knew if he'd have an outburst.  We've started turning his room into an office for me, which will likely be decorated with a "me wall" of some kind.  I was even able to bring my best girl along with me on one of those business trips.

On the beach in Seaside Florida (aka the city in "The Truman Show.)

I expect we'll settle into our "new" lives soon enough.  And if that leaves me more time to write, I'll let you know.  Sarge seems to be on a tear recently with his historical analysis posts, so I don't feel quite so guilty not writing myself.  If the post office stops losing my paychecks, I may have to change that.  By the way, with that opening quote, I know guilt was not at all what Sarge intended, but that's just how I roll.

Well, I have an NCAA Basketball Bracket to mark up.  Until next time.   

34 comments:

  1. It looks clear enough to be Lake Michigan.

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    1. Maybe too clear? Anon said otherwise below.

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    2. In the spring, the Great Lakes are surprisingly clear. Chicago get a lot of ships, including salties. The architecture of the buildings is wrong for the Upper Midwest, though. Could that be in a foreign land?

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  2. Glad that things have taken a turn for the better for your son and you folks. Finding a place he can call home alongside your home is a big plus. Thoughts and prayers for you and yours Tuna, a well done post.

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  3. A good post Tuna, a very good post. Thanks for sharing and glad to hear your son is doing better.

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    1. Thanks Sarge. I felt an explanation was somewhat needed, although sharing that was a little tough/uncomfortable, dusty.

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    2. It is not easy to open up and relate the painful stuff in our lives.

      Now, the time I stepped on a nail... stuff like that easy to relate.

      Tuna, you have gifted us by opening up. What you said helps the rest of us.

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    3. Thanks Beans. Life has gotten brighter and I am happy to share it.

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  4. Thanks for the update. I am really glad your son took to living on his own... That growth is good for all involved.

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    1. Definitely. We're still very much involved though, speaking almost every day, visiting nearly every weekend. The others there? Their families might see them once a year- 2 of them never do- families have written them off. It's very sad.

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    2. I was encouraged that your son wanted to move in, and you supported him. That could not have been easy with the amount of devotion you have for him. He's a lucky man. I could tell you stories about some in-laws that resemble those other kids' parents....

      I have a grandson that is somewhere on the spectrum. We work pretty well together. I guess we click somehow. Not much speaking while working, but the after action report can be pretty focused. I wondered if he'd be able/willing to do outside work as he is a wizard on 3d designing and inventing on intricate board games. He's 13 now.

      Good on you. And thanks again for the update. It gave me some food for thought, and renewed my desire to stay interested (involved?) in my grandson's development.

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  5. So happy things have settle down for you and your beautiful wife. I remember a memorable Gathering on the deck at Shakespeare Pub with you two. Hang Tough. Strength and Courage for you both.

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  6. All good news. Very happy for you and your son.

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  7. I'll add you and your family to the list, Tuna, and I, like the others, am very happy that things are working out better. A word of advice, though. Take time for yourself and your wife. Familial turmoil imposes a huge mental, and possibly health toll on each of you. The job....it'll get done, one way or the other. In the long run, that's not what's important. /soapbox

    Again, very happy for the Tuna Clan!

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    1. Really appreciate that Juvat. We're taking the time. Alaska cruise this July, long drives with the mistress, etc. We have actually always ensured we did stuff together, and as a family. He was high functioning enough that we could leave him, as long as someone checked in with him regarding his meds if it was overnight.

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  8. It's not Lake Michigan. Too many ships and the wrong kind of ships, and the water color isn't right. It's salt water.

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    1. Maybe some Pacific Island nation then, or I didn't take it at all. Thanks.

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  9. I’ve some familiarity with relatives (nephew) on the autism spectrum.
    I’m happy yours has turned positive.

    juvat nailed it, job wise.

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  10. Glad you are getting some 'me time' or 'us time.' You are right. You stopped or slowed your life down taking care of your son. You had... Caregiveritis. Which, while not under that name, is an actual thing. You work so hard caregiving that you don't take care of your own needs, which tears you down.

    As to the O-6 protectorate, yeah, love stuff like that. I don't know how many jobs I interviewed for, maxed out scores for, was actively recruited for, just to lose to some extended family member. So I understand completely. But maybe...

    And now I'm feeling guilt. Thanks for activating Catholic Guilt mode... And here I promised to not fall for CG during Lent, oh, well. Gave up murdering people for Lent, and still am on track to make that goal, unless the hefalump next door continues to insist on her right to smoke an ambiguous medical product... Grrrr.

    Other than that, how's the weather? Excellent post.

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    1. Well, downtime was whenever he was sleeping it seemed like. He is often perfectly happy and pleasant, but the later years we struggled to get him to do the things he needed to do, things he was fine doing himself before. Depression is in one side of his lineage as well. CG? I often joke that for Lent I'm giving up being Catholic!

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    2. The older autistics/asbergers get, the more they tend to dig their heels in and get stubborn. You're handling it right. He still likes seeing you. Too many autistics/asbergers get to where they resent and hate their parents. Sometimes some distance is what is needed, and I am glad it's working for him. Depression seems to be tied to higher functioning autistics/asbergers, from what I've experienced. Yay, what a great combination. Though reducing triggers will help the depression, which helps the other. A vicious cycle.

      As to CG, well, it's based on Jewish Guilt, but with, now, almost 2,000 years of institutionalization and HE DIED FOR YOU!!! Tried explaining CG to a soft-protestant (went to protestant church, but that's about it) and he just didn't get CG. Mrs. Andrew didn't get CG until she got oil smeared on her and became one of us, and now she understands...

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    3. Yes, the depression sinks in periodically, but not for long and the meds help.

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  11. Yea!! A Tuna post!! With lots of very nice pictures!!

    Seriously, I join everyone else above with congrats with getting your son's meds adjusted, and him being able to get out into a safe, welcoming space so you and your wife can have your safe, welcoming space as well. My uncle had issues, which once family convinced my Grandfather to move him out worked out much, much better for all concerned. He was happier, and when he passed away a number of years later, staff came to his funeral, and showed us a side we hadn't known was there. My mom was very surprised and pleased.

    And, I agree with Beans, take the time you need and don't let work suck you in too very deep. No one I ever met in their last days ever said they wished they had worked more/longer. Ever. Over 45 years of nursing, I have met lots of folks in that state.
    Just saying...

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  12. Thanks Suz. The post makes it sound like it was 24/7 chaos, but it really wasn't. When he was at the end of his med-cycle or when we really needed him to do something that he didn't want to do sometimes (like take his meds), he'd get angry easily. Outside of that, life was fine. I miss my mom the Nurse though- she would have been a great asset for him and us.

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  13. Direct deposit of your pay checks will fix that problem, so you can post more!
    John Blackshoe

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    1. I think they require actual funds for direct deposit to work! I'm paid well in adulation and the occasional adult beverage so I'm good.

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  14. Glad things are improving - hard road and one you've followed for some time. Blessings are due you and your bride and prayers for your family.

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  15. Glad to hear things are working out. Now retired for 2+ years, I truly DON'T miss the travel!

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    1. I don't mind the occasional getaway, now more so with an extra ticket for my best girl, but that last bit was tough.

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