Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Update


I've hit the Pause key on the War in the Wild series as you may have noticed. (Note that that is what I call it over on the Fiction of the Chant page. Sometimes I refer to it as the Wilderness War series, consistency isn't exactly one of my virtues.) You probably also know why, if not, read this.

We knew it was coming, in cat years Sasha was 84 (17, almost 18, in actual years), her kidneys were failing/had failed and she was getting weaker by the day. There came a point where she was no longer enjoying life and we could see the pain in her eyes. Something which was impossible to bear any longer.

Her sister Anya, same age, same litter, in fact they look like twins but for a couple of minor details, is still strong and healthy. While she isn't as spry as she once was (who is?) she has managed to avoid most major ailments (she experienced a bit of a scare a year or so ago, but with the right treatment she got back to full health in no time).

She too has noticed the absence in the house. While as kittens they were inseparable, over the years they became competitors. Sasha was the alpha cat, Anya accepted her role as the beta, after all, that meant more work for Sasha. (Who was a mouser extraordinaire.)

Oddly enough, for the first eight years of their lives, Sasha was my cat (more accurately I was her human) and Anya was The Missus Herself's constant companion. I'm still not sure why that changed, but it did.

So this loss has been correspondingly tougher on her. While Anya still keeps tabs on me, The Missus Herself has lost her constant companion. She was also the one who made the call regarding that final trip to the vet. It tore her up, yes it did. But it was the right call.

During the whole affair I wanted to scream "Stop, this can't be right! Surely there is a way to fix this?" Knowing all the while that there wasn't. This sort of thing is inevitable. Death, much as we hate to admit it, is part of life. There is a cycle to things, all that lives must eventually die.

It was tough getting to sleep Monday night, replaying things in my head, trying to figure out if there was something we could have done differently, all the while Anya is wondering what I'm doing up so late. "Damn it Dad, we've all had a rough day, go to sleep."

Which eventually I did. Only to awaken in the morning to realize that the nightmare wasn't a dream after all, it was real. Painfully real.

Not my first rodeo, I've been through this before with people I've loved as well as cats and dogs I've loved. It never gets easier, in fact it might get harder, at least that's my experience.

Bear with me as I adjust to this new life, it's going to take time. On top of all that I'm traveling for business in mid-July. Three weeks in Sandy Eggo, at least I'll get to see the kids and grandkids living out there. I had been looking forward to the trip, funny how life throws things at you that you'd rather not have to go through.

How soon I get back to the War in the Wild depends on many things, not the least of which is my motivation to be creative. I'm motivated to write, just not that way. It takes time.

I may spend some time telling tales of my felines over the next cuppla, it depends.

Thanks for all the kind words in the comments yesterday, it helps.

I have some of the best readers...


40 comments:

  1. It might help yo get yourself a neutered tom, after awhile. Some of the most affable beasts of all. Perhaps A Norwegian Forest Cat, they combine affable, with odd.

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  2. Having had three dogs, two of which had cancer and I had to euthanize, I came to the realization that we give ourselves more pain so they can have less.

    You were the best friend to Sasha.

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  3. The last thing you need to attend to is your daily fiction Sarge, especially with all the demands now. This month brings a chance to see family so take time to cherish the two-legged and four-legged members of your familia where ever they are.

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  4. Sarge, I think most pet owners second guess themselves at times like this. I think about the last three hard ones we had to let go - Syrah the Mighty (Labrador), Midnight (Black Lop Rabbit), and Snowball (Californian Rabbit) - and ask myself the same question: "Could we have done more? Should we have gone earlier?" I never really care for the answers I get, because usually although there are small things which might have been done differently, the overall answer is always "no". More importantly, I do not think that the pets themselves hold any grudges against us for our perceived lack of inaction or "missing something". To the end, they have been kind and loving to the end - Midnight continued to give me rabbit kisses even as they prepared the final injection.

    As to the writing - one thing I think I do disagree with of those that say "write no matter what" is that sometimes one simply cannot, for any number of reasons. I have sat in front of a keyboard and words have flowed, and I have sat looking at a blinking cursor until I simply got up and started doing something else. At those times, I have simply found it better to be about other things. The writing always returns, even though it may be in a totally different direction.

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    1. Can't argue with any of that TB. Wise words.

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    2. (Don McCollor)...(After a couple hours staring at a blank Word document). "I'm half done - I have got all the white spaces in"...

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  5. The needs of you and your family must be first.

    It's interesting how the cat/human dynamic shifted over the years.

    Take care.

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    1. Always.

      That dynamic was something, somehow the cats always knew what we needed before we did.

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  6. Chris, Very sorry to hear of Sasha's passing. Sending love and prayers to you and Song. Lori & Rick

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  7. We are glad to support you in all phases of the cycle of life. Critters are much loved family members too. Even though we know their life spans will likely expire sooner than their human masters, we bring them into our families, and then are somehow surprised when they leave.

    Get on with real life, you will never regret time spent with family and friends taking priority over writing.
    Best to all, cherish the memories.
    JB

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  8. Most sincere condolences OAFS. We recently experienced the same (again), this time a female abandoned when someone moved (leastwise, my guess). I was not a "cat person" although I wished them no harm but Mrs Alemaster's dowry was cats and after a series of rescues I became one. Couldn't leave "Annie" to be an outside cat in Kentucky's four seasons so, Welcome to the pride. She didn't want to be the sweetest cat, ever, but she did her part and we did ours. Carrying her to the mobile vet, she knew. Our only consolation was that for her years with us, we believed she had a good life. Condolences, Alemaster

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    1. Somehow they know.

      Sasha knew, but she still fought the dying of the light. It was her Way.

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    2. But the pain is gone. You showed your love for her, by ending it. I had to do the same thing for Lazarus Rottencat and then I cried all afternoon. You done good, Chris.

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    3. She's not suffering now, it's the best we could do in the circumstances...

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  9. John Lennon famously penned the words, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." He was a keen observer, it seems.

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  10. Perhaps growing up a ranch kid,gives a slight edge to the pain of losing a pet. My constant companion growing up was a mixed rat terrier. At the end she was blind and incontinent (which caused her great distress). Making the call was acting out of love and kindness. That thought gave me great comfort.

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    1. We do what we can for them, sometimes it doesn't feel like enough...

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  11. On your West Coast trip, are you taking The Missus?

    You (all of the Chant readers) helped me get over the loss of my wife's dog, so it's the least I (we) can do for you (OAFS.)

    Now THAT was a weird sentence. Very Beansian. Only missing the ellipsis on the end is missing...

    Take care of you and yours, and we (the Blog staff) will muddle along, filling in blanks when you need to not write.

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  12. Take as much time as you need Chris. Grief is a process that cannot be rushed.
    Mike

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    1. Will do, it's proving tougher than I thought.

      Thanks Mike.

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  13. My condolences. Losing a pet that's a family member is always rough. You did right by her and gave her a good life all these years, and that matters.

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  14. I hesitate to comment because it hurts. I feel your pain in the most real way, because I'm going through a similar situation. I have a 13 yo black lab (Joey) that is near and dear to my heart, and to my daughter's as well. He was her Christmass Puppy.
    The vet recently had to remove a growth from his gum, and it was diagnosed as cancerous. It had grown very large, very fast. And she couldn't get it all either. Said she would have had to remove part of the jaw, at least, and that and the reconstruction was beyond her skill set. Waiting for an appointment with the specialists, but so far the prognosis is not at all good. He's on some meds that are supposed to inhibit the regrowth, but now he's having trouble with vomiting at odd times (usually zero dark thirty, of course). Not sure if it's the meds causing that or what. It hurts every day, knowing the end is likely coming. Just trying to make the most of the time we have left together.
    His Pa was Jethro and his Ma was Angel. His proper name is Joseph Angelo Jethrovich. Corney, huh? He's such a good boy. I feel so sad for the poor old fella.
    So sad for your loss, and I hope you, The Missus, and Anya can console each other, to help adjust to the new reality. And I will say a bit of a prayer, as well, though I don't reckon I've got much pull with The Big Guy, if ya know what I mean.

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    1. I shall say a prayer for Joey as well. And for you guys.

      He sounds like a really good dog.

      All the best, hope things get better.

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  15. If my Siamese ever deteriorates like that (as opposed to just clocking out suddenly--I've been around for both), I can't use a vet, so it's all on me. I hope she dies peacefully, in her sleep. I'll do it if I must---that's my job---but it will be painful.
    Take all the time you need. Grief works on a schedule all its own.
    --Tennessee Budd

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  16. Fortunately, they give us far more happiness and love over the years than we get in the inevitable pain at the end. We've lost lots of pets, and I only remember the good times.

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  17. So terribly sorry for your loss. You said it very well - we've all been through it before but it still doesn't get any easier each time it happens. Will light a candle and say a prayer at Mass for She Who Must Be Obeyed, yourself and Anya - whenever this current lockdown in Sydney finishes.

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