It May Be a Rough Month

I have a feeling this is going to be a rough month. Let me explain.

Three years ago this month, my Dad passed away. That still hurts, a lot. There are moments when I miss him so badly, everything around me just stops. For a brief moment in time the pain of that loss is almost overwhelming. But I suck it up and drive on.

Oddly enough, the last two February's I was more concerned with how my Mom was doing, as the anniversary of Dad's death would approach and then pass. The main difference between the last two February's and this one, is that for the last two I was living in a hotel for four days each week. And on the anniversary of Dad's passing I was actually at the hotel.
Oddly enough (again), I was living in that very same hotel when Dad got sick. As a matter of fact, it was at that hotel that I talked to my Dad for the very last time. In this life. So in a very odd kind of way, that hotel kind of connected me with my Father over the last few weeks of his life.

Back in August I returned to the "home office", as it were. No more staying in a hotel for 4 days out of seven. I could sleep in my own bed. Little did I realize that I would come to actually miss the hotel. Well, not the hotel exactly.
It's the fact that in one of the rooms in that hotel, is the place where I was last able to talk with my Dad on this Earth. That's gone. Seems weird maybe, but this seems to be affecting me, a lot.

And this year, the Missus Herself is traveling (again) out to Cali. Leaving me all by myself on the anniversary of my Dad's passing. (Odd. I keep starting to type the word "death" here, and quickly backspace and type "passing" instead. I typically don't do euphemisms. Here I am, doing just that.)

So I'll be dealing with my Dad's passing. Then there's Lex. You know (or maybe you don't), that fellow over there near the top of the sidebar. The first anniversary of his untimely demise approaches. Six days after the anniversary of my Dad's passing. Double whammy.

Lex is the reason I got into blogging. My inspiration. For as I could no longer go to his blog every day for his latest insight/topic/sea story, I felt something missing. Oh, there are other blogs, as I've discovered since I started my own, but it's not the same. And those other bloggers, those who followed Lex, they'll tell you the same. So I started my own blog, to fill that "howling emptiness" and it's also therapeutic (if not absolutely cathartic on some days) and really has become a lot of fun. In many ways.

So there I was. Morale teetering on the brink. Of something.

Yesterday (Saturday, Groundhog Day) I felt the beginnings of an "emptiness" filling my soul. I don't like that feeling. Not at all. So I start to go through my daily "blog slog" (as I call it). When I hit one of the new blogs I've started following recently, I found this. Felt way better I did. FWIW, Way Up North has become one of my daily "must reads".

Another of my daily "must reads" is The Lexicans. I also post there from time to time so I'm like a part owner over there. Many of those who followed Neptunus Lex, now post at and follow The Lexicans. But the primary reason I go there is because we always have a link to one of Lex's old posts from that calendar day.

When I have time, I'll wander through the archives at Neptunus Lex. I still marvel at the man's talent for writing and his insight into human nature. And the stories of flying, ahhh, I could read those over and over again. But in some ways, going back there can be fraught with peril for those who knew and loved the man. For there are things there which will gut punch you when you're not really ready for it. I had one of those moments this most recent Christmas.

Found a beautiful post Lex had written on a Christmas Eve. It was very touching. It was nearly a gut punch when I first watched it (for it was a slide show, with music). But I enjoyed it for the look it gave at the love Lex had for his family.

For those who must, here it is. (Lexican's beware...)

The gut punch did come. When I noticed the date of the post, Christmas Eve 2011. In other words, the last Christmas Eve Lex's family would have him. The last his many fans would have him. His last on the planet. Gut punch.

But I revisited part of that post today. Not the whole post but the music Lex chose for his little family slide show. The song is "Gabriel's Message", and it's a Basque Christmas folk carol about the Annunciation to the Virgin Mary by the archangel Gabriel that she would become the mother of Jesus Christ the Son of God. As sung by Sting. (Yes, that one.)

Here are the lyrics:

The angel Gabriel from heaven came
His wings as drifted snow his eyes as flame
"All hail" said he "thou lowly maiden Mary,
Most highly favoured maid," Gloria! 

"For known a blessed mother thou shalt be,
All generations laud and honor thee,
Thy Son shall be Emanuel, By seers foretold
Most highly favoured maid," Gloria! 

Then gentle Mary meekly bowed her head
"To me be as it pleaseth God," she said,
"My soul shall laud and magnify His Holy Name."
Most highly favoured maid Gloria! 

Of her Emanuel, the Christ was born
In Bethlehem all on a Christmas morn
And everyone throughout the world forever saved
Most highly favoured maid Gloria!

And the song itself...

The message is beautiful. It helps me to stay in touch with my faith. Yes, I am one to wallow in sentimentality from time to time. And as this month looks to be hard on the old emotions, blogging may be sporadic from time to time. Or not. We'll see how it goes.

Also, FWIW, I was looking at the header for the blog the other day, felt something was missing. 'Tis missing no more.